you're in my way, academically
by PausedInTime
Summary: John Smith and Clara Oswald are rivals. The rest of their class believes they hate each other and both Clara and John are convinced they hate each other too. But the more time they are forced to spend together, is that really true? Secrets are hidden and sinister beings are watching Clara's every move... but does John have something to do with it? Young!Twelve Young!Clara
1. Chapter 1

**Summary; John Smith and Clara Oswald are rivals in their English class, taught by Miss Saxon, who has had quite enough of their childish insults and battles to say the right answer. But she continues to pair them together on school projects hoping they will get along better. Young!Twelve**

 _Coal Hill School, 2002_

 _Year 11_

 _Clara and John are both sixteen_

'Who can tell me the difference between Gatsby and Tom? Their characters are quite a like, wouldn't you say so?'

Clara snorted. 'Both of them were abusive assholes.'

John stared at her from his seat next to her as if she was an idiot and had said something incredibly stupid, 'Gatsby didn't lay a finger on Daisy, Tom hit her all the time.'

Clara gritted her teeth and turned her head to look at John. 'You don't have to be physically abusive to be abusive, you dumbass.'

Miss Saxon, their English teacher with dark unruly hair sighed from behind her desk. 'Clara, John, please don't start. Could you just get on for once? I mean really, it's not hard, is it? You're both intelligent; surely you can put your pudding brains together and work it out.'

Clara folded her arms across her chest, pouting as she turned her head to Missy, who she refused to call "Miss," or "Mam," John was already annoying her and they had been in lesson for about fifteen minutes. John had unruly thick dark hair, most of it stuck up easily because of his curls. He had a sharp jawline, a straight nose and a shade of hair on his jawline that most boys his age couldn't manage to grow. He had huge eyebrows that Clara often screwed her nose up at because they always looked so furious and his eyes were a clear shade of blue. Not that she had noticed, of course not. Why would she notice John Smith and his annoyingly handsome face? Of course she had noticed, but she would never let him or anybody else know that she may have a little crush on him. The problem was, he may have been handsome, but he was irritating and he always thought he was right about everything and he just loved to show her up in front of their entire class.

John took a quick glance at the young girl next to him. She was annoying, her voice irritated him and she was smarter than him, he knew it and he always felt as if he had something to prove to the whole class; to prove to them that he was the smartest and Clara couldn't come close to him. But he was wrong, for she was definitely the smartest and she showed it off in style. She didn't always answer first, but she always answered with confidence. He watched her closely, studying her like he would a book. He bit down on his bottom lip, this was lust, it had to be, right? He couldn't be in love, he was sixteen, love didn't exist for them yet and they hated each other. Didn't they? Or was that just their ignorance and stubborn attitude? No, he wasn't in love. He was infatuated and drawn in by her intelligence but he would never let her know. How could he? They were supposed to hate each other, they were known by the whole class to hate each other and have screaming matches in front of their English teacher.

But she was so beautiful. So elegant and though her voice may be annoying, he loved to listen to it. Her Northern accent, they were both from different parts of the country, neither of them from London where they went to school. He was Scottish and every time he spoke, Clara's face seemed to soften, her brown eyes slightly inflated as she tried to ignore the sound of his voice and his heavy accent. How did her eyes do that, anyway? Inflate the way they do? She needed to get those things under control. John needed to get himself under control, this was madness, he shouldn't even be thinking about her like that. He half wanted to thank Miss Saxon for always forcing them to work together, maybe then they could get pass this fake hatred of one another. Her jawline, round and sharp, much like his but a lot more feminine. Her eyes. Hadn't he already spoken about her eyes? Her hair, growing longer and longer he was certain it would reach her waist. Was she ever going to cut it? And her eyebrows, thick but perfectly shaped and that tiny little nose he admired from afar.

Oh shit, he was completely and head over heels in love with her but there was no way he would admit to it. No fucking way.

'Does anybody else have an opinion on Gatsby and Tom being quite a like?'

Amy pipped up from the other side of Clara, a tilt of her head as she chewed on her pen, 'Miss, I think they're polar opposites but Daisy is attracted to the danger of them both.'

Miss Saxon nodded, a giant smile on her face that sometimes frightened her students. 'That's right, Amelia! Well done. Everybody write that down.' She turned on her heel, wasting no time in writing it on her board with her black pen marker.

Rory held his hand up from the back of the room, messing with his short hair, 'But Miss, they are a like in the way that… that – um - ' he paused and stared over at Amy, the beautiful redhead sat next to Clara who still seemed to be chewing on her pen, having no idea of Rory's affections but the whole class bursts into fits of giggles at Rory blatant and rather sweet staring.

Amy looked over her shoulder, frowning as she dropped her pen, 'What? Is there something on my face?' she muttered, her Scottish accent almost as thick as John's as she tried to figure out what everybody was laughing at.

Rory rolled his eyes and shifted uncomfortably in his seat, tapping his pen against his desk as he shouted over the laughter to Miss Saxon, 'That they're both abusive! Both Gatsby and Tom are abusive to Daisy but she lives for it, she likes the danger and she's attracted to the high life. She's an adrenaline junkie, she just doesn't realise it. Nor does she realise she is in love with both Gatsby and Tom…'

At Rory's last sentence, after the laughter had died down and Clara was busy taking notes, she dropped her shoulder as casually as she could and very slowly looked up through her eyelashes, staring right at John who seemed to be busy taking down the notes Missy wrote on the board. Clara arched her eyebrow, her face softening as she watched John with such an intensity she shocked herself. Her hazel eyes were just a little glazed over, her heart racing as she tried to control all her emotions at once. It was flooding through her body, setting herself on fire with emotion as she stared at him. She half wished he would turn his head, but that would be bad. Very, very bad and unorthodox, she felt her heart race as he reached up to run his long fingers through his thick hair. She so wanted to run her fingers through his hair and yank on it a little, just to see his reaction. Clara swallowed, trying to look away from him but she couldn't. This was so inconvenient for her, to fall for somebody she was supposed to hate. She supposed that this was the kind of love that made you crazy for one another just like Gatsby and Daisy; who were so crazy in love but their hatred over ruled their love. That was exactly why she couldn't tell John, it would ruin the dynamic they had.

She let herself have one last longing gaze at him, watching as the muscles in his wrist and arms moved every time he moved his pencil, gracefully moving across his book as he took down random notes; probably his own thoughts now, she had noticed how quickly he wrote. Clara cleared her throat and lent her arm on his desk, on purpose, but she didn't want him to know that so she looked down at her paper and carried on writing. She chewed her bottom lip, their arms touching as the two of them wrote on their papers. Her eyes narrowed to his arm, noticing his hairs standing up on his arm, her heart racing as she took in the scent of him, musky and incredibly strong aftershave and a hint of hair gel. Clara continued to write, noticing that the hairs on her own arm had stood up, her brown eyes watching him, until she heard a girl's voice.

'Clara, come on, we've got Mr Harkness next, you know… Hot P.E. teacher.'


	2. Chapter 2 - Confusions of Love

' _ **I hate you, I love you. I hate that I love you, don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you. I miss you when I can't sleep, or right after coffee, or right when I can't eat. I miss you in my front seat, still got sand in my sweaters, from nights we don't remember. Do you miss me like I miss you?'**_

 _Coal Hill School, 2002_

 _Later that day,_

 _P.E Class_

'How can you not pay attention to Mr Muscles over there?'

'Because I'm not a total flirt like you and I really can't be bothered to stare at somebody I can't have.'

'Well, you can have him. I've heard he has slept with some sixth formers, both genders.'

'I don't want to sleep with our P.E. teacher, Amy.'

'Clara, come on, you have to lose it at some point.'

'And I will lose it with the right person, there's nothing wrong with waiting.'

'Nothing wrong with losing it right now.'

Clara smirked, stretching her leg as she lunged forward, Amy copying her actions as they got ready for their Hockey game, 'Maybe you could help Rory lose his.'

Amy frowned and bought her arm across her chest, stretching her muscles as she eyed Mr Harkness who was motivating the boys to play football on the other side of the pitch, 'Don't be silly, Rory's gay.'

Clara stopped stretching and turned to stare at Amy, an arch of her perfectly shaped eyebrow. 'Pardon?'

She giggled and shrugged her shoulders, bending down to adjust her knee pads, 'Rory, he's gay. Didn't you know?'

Clara merely rolled her eyes, 'Rory isn't gay, you blind idiot. He fancies the pants off of you and you're the only one that hasn't seen it yet. Seriously, the whole class knows he has the biggest crush on you, he can barely speak when you're around.'

Amy blinked slowly and stood up straight, hands on her hips as she towed over her best friend, turning her head to stare at Rory who stood in goal, ready to defend from the other team, 'Oh.'

Clara laughed, 'Yes, oh.' She shrugged her shoulders and placed her mouth guard over her teeth, 'Come on, let's kick some serious ass.' She smirked and picked up her Hockey stick, running onto the pitch with Amy.

 _Over the other side of the pitch_

'Okay, lads, we've got Rory in goal, I know he's fairly short but we don't have Ricky here.' Mr Harkness shouted to his team, clapping his hands together as he grinned at them, his white teeth on show as he jogged on the spot.

Mickey held his hand up, 'You've got me, Sir.' He told him, sighing when Mr Harkness laughed. Nobody could ever be angry with him, he was an American, and it was in his voice that you couldn't ever stay mad at him, he was a typical team player.

Mr Harkness jogged backwards to the edge of the pitch as he called the other boys onto the pitch, 'Mickey, I'm afraid you aren't your twin. Nice try though, good effort!'

Mickey rolled his eyes and stood in defence, giving the thumbs up to Rory who was behind him, readying himself for the impact of the other team. Mickey scratched his face and pulled at the football kit that was far too big for him. He turned his head and spotted the girls playing Hockey on the other side of the field and found himself catching the attention of Martha Jones, a young dark skinned girl who played in defence for the Hockey team. She was just as shy as him, but she played well and defended most of the attempted goals coming her way. Mickey definitely had a crush on her and he was certain Martha had a crush on him, the only problem was neither of them had the guts to ask the other one out, that or Ricky would attempt to flirt with her and steal all of her attention which Mickey didn't really appreciate.

'Keep staring, Mick. She'll notice eventually.'

'Shut up, John. You're not funny. And don't think I haven't noticed your longing stares at Clara.'

John scrunched his nose up, his blue eyes a little wide, 'God, no. The girl is crazy and she's annoying and her voice is all irritating and squeaky and she's too bossy and -'

'You love her?'

'No!'

'You definitely do, mate. Luckily for you, she hasn't noticed and neither has anybody else. I happen to be just that observant.'

John turned his head to watch Clara, trying to ignore the fact he was smirking. Mickey knew him too well. He cleared his throat, watching as the young girl scored and jumped into the air, fist pumping it as her team ran around her and jumped together all at once, 'You should be observant enough that both Clara and I hate each other's guts and that would never, ever happen.'

Mickey shrugged his shoulders, 'If you say so, boss.' He grinned and slapped his friend on his shoulder, running over to Joseph, one of the strikers on the other team who was running to score a goal.

John sighed and ran a hand through his hair, messing with it as he watched Clara, a gentle smile on his face. Maybe he didn't hate her after all. What was there to hate? Apart from her Northern accent and the fact she was smarter than him. He rolled his eyes and ran for the ball, careful not to trip over his fairly big feet. He was tall and skinny, lanky almost and football was not a game for his build. He was clumsier than most people, always tripping over his feet and his curly hair was always over his eyes, he should really invest in cutting it without the amount of times he had walked into other players or not seen the ball coming straight for his face.

'John!' Mickey yelled, pointing above John as he looked up, a strand of his dark hair in his eye as he made out the shape of the football and then it was too late for the football had hit him straight in the nose and knocked him over from the force of the kick.

'Shit!' another player exclaimed, hearing Mr Harkness blow his whistle as the game stopped and rushed to John who was holding his nose, laying still on the floor.

Mr Harkness sat him up slowly, his hands on John's shoulders as he checked him over. His nose was definitely broken and bleeding. Clara had noticed John had been sent flying to the floor and heard the blow of the whistle from the other side of the pitch and she felt her blood run cold. She swallowed and stilled right in the middle of the Hockey pitch, holding her hand up so her team would stop playing. After the girls turned their attention to Clara, they noticed the boys were crowding around John and immediately ran over to see if he was okay, it didn't entirely shock the other girls that Clara was the first one over although she tried to act cool about it.

'Is he okay?' Clara asked, an arch of her eyebrow as she leaned on her Hockey stick, taking the mouth guard out of her mouth.

'I'm fine.' John insisted, trying to bat Mr Harkness's hands away.

Mr Harkness in turn rolled his eyes, his American accent thick as he pressed two of his fingers to the bridge of John's bleeding nose, 'No, he isn't. He's just trying to be brave in front of you ladies. Mickey, would you mind taking him to the nurse?'

'No problem, boss.'

'I don't - '

Mr Harkness rolled his eyes and lifted John up so he could place him half over Mickey's shoulder, 'Before you say it, you do need a nurse. It's broken and it hasn't stopped bleeding.'

Clara decided it was her turn to pipe up, 'I'd say it was an improvement,' she sniggered, making the other girls laugh as John threw her a glare over his shoulder as he was being dragged away.

Of course Clara didn't mean it, not in the slightest. She hadn't run over to take the piss out of him, she had run over to make sure he was okay and hadn't just dropped dead in the middle of the pitch. Not that she would admit that, obviously. Oh, she was looking forward to Amy's seventeenth this weekend, she needed a drink.

Clara placed her mouth guard back into her mouth, 'Come on, girls, we've got a game to win.' She beamed at them and ran off back onto the pitch to finish the game.

 _12:00pm, half way through a History lesson_

'Clara, in your own opinion; who was the most influential Queen of England – Queen Elizabeth or Queen Victoria? There's no right or wrong answer, simply your opinion.'

Clara wasn't paying attention until she heard her name being called. Her head shot up, her pen in her mouth [a habit she had picked up from Amy] and blinked slowly. She cleared her throat, noticed John and his stupid broken nose was staring at her; waiting for her to get the answer wrong because she wasn't paying attention and she was too busy staring at the back of his head thinking what it would be like to push his head down in between her legs and tug on those curls. She crossed her legs over, squeezing her thighs together as she tried to ignore the way he made her feel. Clara glanced up, her hazel eyes locking with their teacher whose name was too long to pronounce so the whole class agreed to call him Mr Nine or Nine, he didn't mind; in fact he quite liked it. He had very little hair, a strong jawline and always wore a leather jacket. He was strict, but only when he needed to be, he was a fair teacher and tried his best to care for his students. Clara decided that she liked him, had done a while ago.

'Um,' Clara cleared her throat, putting her pen down as she tried to ignore John's stupid face looking at her, 'I'd say both of them were quite influential, Sir. In my own opinion, I think Queen Victoria admired Queen Elizabeth a lot, I believed she wanted to rule by herself until she met Prince Albert.'

John snorted from his seat and eyed her curiously, 'What, did you get that from one of the films made about Queen Victoria? All of those films are supporting feminist views, Clara. Making women strong again, you know? Just because the films say it doesn't mean it actually happened.'

She rolled her eyes and lent forward on her desk, half tempted to lob her History book at him, 'Shut up, you sexist pig. For your information, it was written in her diaries where she wrote sixty two million words so how about you turn around and keep your mouth shut before I break one of your other bones.'

John fell silent and so did his face. He sighed, clearly irritated and wrote down Clara's point, secretly thinking her point was fairly valid and was actually correct. It was in fact written in one of Victoria's diaries, that she admired Queen Elizabeth; but John wanted to keep up the pretence that they hated each other and there was no way either of them would ever end up together. Even if they did, they wouldn't last long, their personalities clashed constantly.

Nine ignored the bickering between the two of them and turned to write Clara's point down on the board, 'Very good, Clara. Now class, as your homework…' he paused and laughed as the whole class let out a loud groan.

'I would like you to write up an SA on Queen Elizabeth and Queen Victoria and answer the same question as Clara just did. You have the weekend to answer it and it has to be in on the next Monday when you return to History.'

Clara sighed and packed her History book into her bag, slinging it over her shoulder as she moved from behind her desk. She let a few people walk out before she moved herself, only to get stuck in the doorway, budged up right against John. 'For Christ sake, you bloody stick insect, get out of my way!' she exclaimed, shoving him in the other direction as she stormed off down the hall to meet with her friends.

Because of how clumsy he was, as Clara shoved him, John tripped and almost fell on the floor before straightening himself up. He glared at the back of her head and then disappeared in a different direction to meet up with Mickey so they could walk home together. Neither of the two looked back to check on the other one, they were far too frustrated.

 _3:30pm_

 _Clara's street_

'Come on, run!'

'I am running!'

'Not fast enough! Come on, loser!'

'Oh, I am not losing to you!'

'You're ages away from me, you are so going to lose!' Nina shrieked, excitement in her voice as she ran and ran, jumping into people's front gardens as she attempted to take short cuts towards Clara's house.

'Come on, you're supposed to be fast, you are Captain of the Hockey team!'

Clara laughed and only put more effort in, her thick eyebrows frowning in concentration as she sprinted towards Nina. Her hair was tied up, exhausted by the summer heat. She took off her jumper at lunch time and now she was starting to sweat and damn, Nina was fast. Clara considered Nina one of her best friends but there was something different about their friendship, it felt different to her friendship with Amy. Clara shook her head, trying to ignore the thoughts in her head as she eventually caught up with Nina. She sprinted past her and ran through her house, laughing manically as Nina ran in after her, panting heavily. Nina is dark skinned, a little darker than Martha's, her eyes are an emerald green and her hair is dark and incredibly thick – she's of Jamaican decent and she spent most of her time at Clara's house.

'I have returned from hell, mothership.' Clara giggled, holding onto her mum's arm as she placed a gentle kiss on the woman's cheek.

Her mother, Ellie laughed and rubbed her hands on her apron, half way through baking one of her famous soufflé's Clara still hadn't managed to make, 'It's not that bad, you enjoy it really. Was it that boy again?' she spoke like an angel, a voice nobody could ever be angry with.

Clara rolled her eyes and picked up an apple from the bowl on their kitchen counter, throwing it to Nina as she caught it with a grin, 'Not everything is about John Bloody Smith, mum.' She laughed and turned to run up the stairs.

'We'll see you later, got some homework to do!'

Nina smirked and bit into the apple, waving to Ellie as Clara shot up the stairs, 'See you, Mrs Oswald.'

Ellie waved, a gentle smile on her face, 'Have fun, girls.'

Clara stopped half way up the stairs and shouted down to her mother, 'Oh mum, just to remind you, need a prom dress soon!'

'Don't worry, I'm going shopping tomorrow!'

'Thank you!'

Clara ran up another set of stairs and ran towards Nina, grabbing the other girls arm as she pulled her into her bedroom. Nina dropped her apple half way as Clara grabbed hold of her, complained about it for a little while and then grinned as she ran with Clara. The two girls tripped over a pile of Clara's clothes on the floor and fell straight onto her bed, Nina landing on top of the slightly younger girl. Nina was older than her by about five months.

Clara's smile didn't disappear from her face as Nina managed to pin both of Clara's wrists to the mattress, her smile only disappearing when Clara realised Nina's lips were merely inches from her own. She swallowed, suddenly feeling very small from Nina's stare as she squirmed underneath her, her heart rate increasing as she smelt the other girl's perfume. Clara lent forward, her face turning as she buried her face in Nina's hair. The other girl fell on top of her, releasing her wrists as the two of them embraced, caught up in the smell of each other's hair and how soft their skin felt.

Clara swallowed. This wasn't right, was it? She was supposed to be attracted to boys and boys only, smiling at the fond memory of her father threatening to hurt anybody boys who came near her. She closed her eyes, inhaling the scent of Nina's hair, vanilla and something she didn't know. After a few minutes of the two of them cuddling into each other and the only sound was their heavy breathing, Clara carefully moved from underneath Nina and picked up one of her PlayStation two controllers.

'Come on, fuck face, I'm going to kick your ass on Medal of Honour for a tenner.'

Clara tried to steady her heart, her breathing a little unsteady as Nina laughed and seated herself so incredibly close to Clara it was making her blush a furious red colour. She swallowed, trying to make sense of her thoughts. What did this mean? Was she attracted to girls as well? Was she just attracted to girls and she was forced to be attracted to boys because it was normal? Was she not normal anymore? As their arms touched, Clara noticed the hairs on her arms didn't stand up like she did when she had touched John but she had the same thoughts of pushing Nina in between her legs as she had done with John.

Oh, she was fucked, she was so fucked. And not in the literal sense, she cleared her throat and tried to pay attention to kicking Nina's ass.

She must have been bisexual, right?

 **A/N: This was a long ass chapter and it took me ages so I would appreciate the reviews and comments lol. As Clara is a canon Bisexual [Jane Austen and Nina] I thought I would play around with that a bit and try to explore how confused she must have been as a teenager and what it meant. Hope everybody likes it.**


	3. Chapter 3 - Amy's Party

' _ **Oh, she knows what I think about**_ _ **,**_ _ **And what I think about**_ _ **,**_ _ **One love, two mouths**_ _ **,**_ _ **One love, one house**_ _ **,**_ _ **No shirts, no blouse**_ _ **,**_ _ **Just us, you find out**_ _ **,**_ _ **Nothing I really wanna tell you about no**_ _ **,**_ _ **'Cause it's too cold, whoa**_ _ **,**_ _ **For you here**_ _ **,**_ _ **And now, so let me hold, whoa**_ _ **  
**_ _ **Both your hands in the holes of my sweater'**_

 _Amy's house, 2002_

 _7:30pm_

 _Saturday Night_

'Clara, get your ass over here and dance with me!'

'I can't believe you're already drunk, Amy. It's seven thirty, the party only started half an hour ago.'

'What can I say? It's my birthday and I'm a lightweight!'

'Please sit down for a few minutes, not everybody is here yet.'

'No, but they will be. And I don't want anybody to catch up with me, I want to be the drunkest one here.'

'Oh, trust me on that one, you will definitely be the drunkest one here. Now, can you please sit down? I want to talk to you about something.'

'Urgh, fine, party pooper.'

Clara stopped herself from rolling her eyes and took hold of Amy's hand, almost dragging her out into the garden and past various people Amy had invited. Clara smiled at Nina on the way, then she spotted Mickey and his twin Ricky talking with Martha in a corner. She rolled her eyes, wondering if Ricky would ever stop putting himself in competition with his brother, it was clear Martha had a massive crush on Mickey. Talking of crushes, Rory was stood awkwardly in one corner, a beer in his hand as he waved at Amy as they walked past. Clara smiled but Amy just blanked him, not on purpose, she was far too drunk to notice him. Clara sat her down on the stone pavement, her feet moving into the grass. She had taken her shoes off a while ago, the heels were way too big for her tiny feet.

Amy took out a cigarette from one of her packets in her pocket and offered one to Clara, who politely declined, 'So, what's up, buttercup?'

Clara cleared her throat, she needed to speak about it with someone and other than Nina, Amy was the closest person to Clara, 'I – um, I'm not sure how to say this.'

Suddenly, Amy's expression dropped and she looked more or less sober, a serious look on her face as she managed to light her cigarette, 'What's the matter? You're not ill, are you? Is it John again? What's he done? Do I have to punch him?'

Clara decided she would just come out with it, there was no other way of telling her. So, she looked her best friend in the eye, a terrified expression on her face, 'Amy, I think I'm gay.'

Amy blinked slowly, 'What?' she muttered, an arch of her eyebrow as she stared at Clara, taking the cigarette out of her mouth as she blew the smoke out of her mouth.

'I said - '

Amy interrupted her. 'Yes, I know what you said. But are you sure? What's brought this on? I mean, is it a phase?'

Clara shook her head and dropped her head into her hands, letting out a frustrated groan, 'I really don't know, Amy. Honestly, I don't. I mean – I could be bisexual but that's barely heard of, isn't it? It's one or the other.'

'Somebody has to have brought this on. Who is it?'

Clara hesitated and lifted her head up, a confused smile on her face, 'Nina.'

'Oh.'

'Yes, oh.'

'Does she know?'

Clara snorted, 'Of course not, don't be ridiculous, but we were at mine yesterday after school to catch up on some work and we were cuddling for like half an hour and it didn't feel like a friend thing to do. That's not normal, right?'

Amy sighed and edged closer to Clara, wrapping her arm around her friend's shoulder, 'Clara, come on, don't say things like that. It's not abnormal, you are perfectly normal, there's nothing wrong with you. If anybody says anything different, they'll have me to deal with.'

Clara sighed and lent into her friend's embrace, trying to breathe normally after all of her anxieties, 'I'm just terrified of what everybody will think, Amy. And I don't even know if I am gay, I mean I feel the same way about Nina the way I feel about John - ' she swallowed and immediately jammed her eyes shut.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. She shouldn't have said that, she really shouldn't have said that.

Amy pulled away from Clara, 'John…?'

Clara guessed she would have to come clean about everything now, 'Yes, John. I know I act like I hate him, but he's special and unique, he's nothing like the other guys who just want to jump me because I'm pretty. He see's past that and so does Nina…'

Amy slowly nodded, 'Maybe you are bisexual, you obviously like them both. But hey, don't force anything too soon. Don't label it either; just live your life the way you want to live it.'

Clara smiled a little and wrapped her arms around Amy's waist, her head resting on her friend's shoulder, 'Thank you… for accepting me.'

'Don't be stupid, Clara. I'll always accept you, you're my best friend and nothing will ever change that. I don't care what gender you like, it's none of my business for starters but I will be at your wedding day whether you are marrying a man or a woman.'

Clara choked back a cry and immediately wiped her face, not wanting Amy to see that she had made her cry, even if it was in a good way, 'Thank you. Now, come on, let's party and get you laid.'

Amy snorted, 'Now that, we can do.'

Both Clara and Amy made their way back into the party after Clara had helped the redhead stand, laughing as she stumbled and giggled to herself about how drunk she was. They immediately grabbed two shots and downed them fairly quickly, the two of them giggling as they started to dance together to the music and Clara hadn't felt quite as happy as she did in that moment, watching her best friend laugh and spin around on the spot. Everything seemed to go in slow motion, the two of them laughing and dancing like best friends should, downing drink after drink until Clara was feeling fairly woozy.

'Clara…' a voice behind them called her name and Clara immediately turned around to find herself face to face with Nina.

Clara beamed at the younger girl, 'Nina, hi. I didn't think you were coming tonight. Have you had a drink?' she giggled, picking up a Vodka and Coke as she passed it to her friend. Was she her friend? Or her lover? She knew she had a bit of a crush and maybe Nina felt the same way so they certainly weren't friends any longer.

Nina laughed and nodded her head, 'Plenty,' she confirmed, taking a sip of the drink Clara had offered her and then placed it down onto the kitchen counter beside them.

'Can we dance for a bit?'

Clara looked over her shoulder at Amy, who beamed at her and gave her a thumbs up, disappearing into the corner of the room to speak to Rory, 'Um, sure. Don't see why not.'

Nina nodded and slipped her hand into Clara's, pulling her towards the dance floor as the two of them started to dance together. The two of them were getting closer and closer, Clara's arm wrapped around Nina's neck as they started to grind against each other, one of Clara's legs in between the other girls as she pressed against her, grins on their faces. Clara was certain they were being watched by everybody else at the party, but she didn't care. She rested her forehead on Nina's, as if it was just the two of them in the room. And she was certain of one thing, she liked both Nina and John. Clara swallowed and closed her eyes, her lips inches from the other girl's.

'Clara…' Nina whispered, her own eyes closed as the two girls were seconds away from their lips locking together.

'I know,' Clara whispered, her thumb caressing Nina's cheek. She could blame this on the alcohol. Clara lent forward and pressed her lips to Nina's in a desperate kiss, her hand on her neck as every boy in the room stared at them.

They had stopped dancing, the two of them caught up in a passionate kiss that soon had them pulling away for air. Clara giggled and looked around, her hand still firmly on Nina's cheek as she buried her face in Nina's hair and took in the scent of it, it smelt like it always had; like Nina. The two of them giggled, hand in hand as they made their way back to the kitchen to take a few more shots. Clara turned as she heard a commotion in the living room, her face suddenly pale as she spotted John coming through the door. Who had invited him? Had Amy done this on purpose? Clara swallowed and sipped on her Whiskey and Coke she had just poured for herself and observed what John was wearing.

He looked incredible.

Incredibly, annoyingly, handsome.

She swallowed and turned her attention back to Nina, leaning forward to place a few more kisses on the other girl's lips. Clara attempted to get the picture of John out of her head, standing there in his leather jacket and extremely tight trousers and his hair as wild as it had ever been. Why did he have to be such a dick but incredibly handsome at the same time? She rolled her eyes and excused herself from Nina as she ran to find Amy.

'Amy, Amy, Amy!' she exclaimed, noticing everybody was staring at her as she ran like a penguin towards her best friend.

Amy giggled, having been sat on a rather over confident looking lad, 'Clara! Hey, what's the matter? Why do you like so pale? You're not going to collapse already, are you?'

Clara shook her head, 'No, of course not. But I need to talk to you, desperately.'

Amy giggled and turned to whisper and giggle into the boy's ear, a bottle of wine in her hand, 'Shall I introduce you?'

The boy nodded and beamed up at Clara, an annoyingly sweet smile on his face. 'But, Amy - '

'This - ' Amy paused and swallowed another gulp of wine, a smirk on her face as she ruffled the boy's thick dark hair.

'This is Eleven. He's in our Art class and he joined Coal Hill a year ago from some Grammar school I can't remember the name of. He doesn't actually know his name, he was adopted so he just calls himself Eleven. Isn't that really cool?'

Clara arched her eyebrow, 'Edgy.'

Clara looked the young boy once over, noticing he was dressed in a tweed jacket and had a bright red bowtie on. Of course he was an Art student. He had thick dark hair that was parted over to the left side, a huge quiff in his hair that seriously needed to be cut off. His eyes were a brilliant green and he had a slight stubble on his face and a really goofy but sweet smile on his face that reminded her of a puppy. And Jesus Christ, that chin.

'Nice to meet you, Clara.' Eleven smiled up at her, his voice low and it seemed to vibrate straight through her. Oh great, another attractive bloke she had to think about. Fuck, she shouldn't have drank so much.

'You too,' Clara muttered, looking over to a very drunk Amy who happened to be covering Eleven's face in kisses.

'Don't worry, Amy. I'll talk to you later.'

 _10:30pm_

His hand is on her waist, winding around her waist respectively, unlike most guys who would have their hands all over her, groping her like they owed her. But not John, John had the greatest respect for girls and women alike. His other hand slips into hers, hearing the music play in their ears, vibrating the floors. It was 'Sweater Weather' by The Neighbourhood and it happened to be one of Clara's favourite songs. This had to be Amy's doing and she was going to kill her for it. They're dancing together, her forehead resting on his shoulder, too shy to even look at him. His heart is racing, she can tell, the palm of his hand sweaty, she'd find it disgusting if it was anybody else but with John, everything was different. Nothing felt forced and his nerves only made her heart flutter, he was as frightened as her about this breakthrough, the breakthrough that they didn't hate each other at all and in fact, they had fallen so in love with each other since they met in Year Seven. And some people may say it was stupid, love at their age. But they knew what they felt and nobody could tell them otherwise, it was just a matter of telling each other how they felt.

His hand is by her face and she isn't sure what he's doing until his long fingers brush back the strands of her hair, each strand disappearing behind her ear and he's looking at her with such adoration she's tempted to lean forward and press her lips to his, but she doesn't. She's too stubborn and that might be her downfall, never going for what she wants simply because she believed she didn't deserve it. He's looking at her like he wants to kiss her and moments later, he disappears. She's confused, standing alone and reaching for another drink as she downs it in one and goes to find Amy and Nina. What the hell was that about?

Amy's house, 2002

1:15 am,

Saturday night,

Sunday morning

'Clara, I need you to come home now.'

'What? Why? What's the matter, dad? You sound weird and all funny.'

'Are you drunk?'

'You know I'm at Amy's house party, it's her birthday.'

'Clara, I need you to come home, now.'

Clara frowned, one finger in her other ear as she tried to block out the loud music. She swallowed, her father sounded desperate and like he was on the verge of tears. Her heart skipped a beat, feeling herself beginning to sweat. She looked over her shoulder and spotted John, a little smile on her face as she watched him sway against Mickey, the two of them laughing together and they had looked so happy Clara had almost forgotten that her world was about to crash down around her. She was so happy, content with her relationship with John moving forward, she had Nina and her friends, everybody got along and her grades were coming out perfectly and it was almost the end of Year Eleven, she'd have to start thinking about going to college or Sixth Form to complete some A Levels. Would John come with her? Would Nina and Amy end up in the same college or stay on at Coal Hill for Sixth form?

Her breath caught in her throat as she heard the next words out of her father's mouth.

'Clara… Your mother is dead…'


	4. Chapter 4 - Numb the Pain

' _ **Staying in my play pretend, Where the fun ain't got no end. Oh, can't go home again, need somebody to numb the pain.'**_

 _One week after the party_

 _5_ _th_ _March 2002 [had to swap Ellie's death date around]_

 _Coal Hill school, smoking area_

Clara's hands are shaking as she tries to light her cigarette and Nina is eying her curiously but she doesn't say a word, 'I tried baking one of mum's souffle's last night and – and I just couldn't - 'she paused and covered her mouth with her shaking hand, tears in her hazel eyes and Nina felt her heart break for her.

'I couldn't do it. I couldn't fucking do it, Nina. She always did them so perfectly and I want to make one for dad and I just fucking can't. Why am I so useless? It's my fault she's dead, you know? It's all my fault, she didn't have to go to the shop to buy me that dress for prom, she could have stayed home.'

'Oh my god, it's all my fault…' she whimpered, tears running down her cheeks as it stained her face, dropping her cigarette and lighter onto the ground as she fall back against the wall and slid down it, her head in her hands as her shoulders shook with rage.

'I'm such a selfish bitch. What is wrong with me, Nina? I must be sick in the head, whilst she was dying in that shopping centre, when I should have been with her… I was partying and smoking my lungs dry!'

Nina swallowed and dropped to her side, not daring to touch her. She knew what Clara was like, she would only react in anger and push her away. So instead, she sat there, her hands on her knees as she spoke quietly, 'None of this is your fault, Clara. None of it.'

Clara shook her head, her shoulders still shaking from how angry she was and how disappointed she was in herself, 'You were there, Nina. You heard me ask her to buy me a prom dress, I should have been there with her instead of partying. If I just – I mean, oh my god, I can't believe she's gone.'

Nina breathed heavily, not being able to take listening to Clara cry. She swallowed and turned Clara's head to look at her, 'Clara…' she breathed, leaning in to place a kiss on her lips.

'Please, don't cry. I know it's hard, don't ever blame yourself. Okay, now come on, let's get you home.'

Clara shook her head, 'No, I need to carry on studying. That's what mum would want and don't even try convincing me that she wouldn't want that.'

Nina sighed, nodding her head. Of course Clara was right, she knew what her own mother was like, 'Okay, okay. Well, let's go back to class. Yeah?'

Clara nodded, 'Yeah…' she took a deep breath but grabbed Nina's hand before she attempted to stand up.

'Come here.'

In seconds, Clara's lips were on the other girl's. She sighed into her mouth, her hand on Nina's neck, fingers gripping the back of her neck as her tongue dived into Nina's mouth, tasting the smoke on her tongue and now they both smelt of it. She leaned forward, one leg slipping in between Nina's as she all but climbed into her lap. The two girls pulled apart breathlessly, staring at each other before they lent in for a few more kisses. Clara sighed and pulled herself up, trying to ignore the pain in her heart and the dread of going to her Art class where her teacher Rose Tyler had been in the same shopping centre as her mother and had just narrowly escaped. She couldn't work out if she was angry with Miss Tyler or not.

 _Art class_

 _11:15am_

 _Coal Hill school_

Clara tapped her pen relentlessly against her desk, not paying the slightest attention to Miss Tyler and her shrilling voice. She had a banging headache and she wanted everything to just stop, for her head to stop pounding and for her heart to stop aching. She noticed Amy sat away from her, right next to Eleven as they flirted shamelessly. Some fucking best friend she was. She rolled her eyes and started to sketch in her Art book, drawing the shape of her mother's eyes as she tried to ignore John's presence beside her. Instead, she looked over her shoulder and caught Nina's eye, smirking a little as thoughts of their make out session earlier ran through her head. Perfect, beautiful Nina who supported her through thick and thin.

'Clara, could you pay attention please?'

Clara snapped her head away from Nina and looked up at Miss Tyler, who was tapping her fingers on Clara's desk, 'Depends. Do I really need to? This is an Art class, after all. I don't exactly need the GCSE.'

John sighed from beside her and gave her a disappointed look, 'Clara, you don't need to be rude. I'm sure Miss Tyler understands you're in pain but you really shouldn't be in school. It was a week ago.'

Clara turned her head to John, her face flushed red with anger as she gritted her teeth, 'What the fuck would you know, John? Hm? What the fuck would you know?'

John frowned and ran his hand through his hair, 'Clara, just go home.'

Clara stood up from her desk and threw Miss Tyler a dirty look before she picked up her History book and lobbed it at John's head, glaring at him as he winced in pain and held onto his head, 'You don't know shit, John! You don't know that going home to see my dad in so much pain makes my skin crawl with how sick I feel! I was out partying whilst my mother was getting blown to bits!'

Miss Tyler swallowed and reached out her hand to touch Clara's arm, 'Clara, please step outside so you can calm down…'

Clara snatched her arm away and pushed Miss Tyler away from her, glaring at her as the whole class gasped in shock and fell silent, 'Fuck off! Why didn't you die, hm? Did you just run out and save yourself, huh? How did you survive? You were in the building, how did you get out?'

Miss Tyler walked around the desk and helped John up from his desk, 'Come on, John. Let's get you to the nurse, you're probably going to have a nasty bruise.'

John slowly stood up, wobbling a bit as he held his head, 'I can make my own way, Miss.' He said politely, swallowing hard as he managed to make his way out of the classroom without falling over.

Nina stood up from the back of the classroom and grabbed Clara's forearm, almost dragging her out of the classroom as she shouted abuse at Miss Tyler, 'Shut up, Clara, before you get fucking excluded.' She growled into her ear, pulling her out of the classroom as Miss Tyler slumped down behind her desk, feeling a little defeated after Clara's outburst.

 _4:00pm_

 _Coal Hill school gates_

 _After school_

'I'm sorry for shouting at you.'

'I'm used to it by now, I don't think you have to say sorry.'

'I do and I want to.'

'No, you don't. You're just pretending you want to say sorry to me, but you don't. You're angry at the world and you have every right to be angry. Just shout at me, Clara. I know you think I'm a dick.'

Clara sighed, her head banging from her headache, she had done enough crying through the day, 'I don't think you're a dick. You can be a dick, but that's only because of your shitty attitude and I don't want to shout at you. I just want my mum back.'

John stepped forward, 'Shout at me,' he muttered, his hands reaching out for her arms.

'Come on, Clara. You need to, you need to shout.'

'Stop it!' she whined, bursting into tears again as she almost fell into his chest. Almost. She wouldn't ever seek comfort in John.

'Shout at me. Come on, you stuck up, self-centred pain in my ass, shout!'

'Stuck up? You can talk, you arrogant prick.'

'Snob -'

'Wanna be rockstar -'

'Wanna be English teacher -'

'Big nosed, scruffy haired twat!'

'Short, ridiculously stubborn -'

'Stupid -'

'Asshole - '

'Bitch!'

By the end of their series of insults, their hands were in each other's hair and John was pushing Clara up against the wall behind them. His mouth was on hers in seconds, his tongue instantly begging for entrance to her mouth. His hands were all over her, in her hair, at her waist and her fingers were finally in his hair, tugging and yanking on it hard enough to make him groan out loud. Their tongues battled for dominance, clutching onto each other for dear life as she moaned into his mouth, enjoying the taste of him. He tasted of coffee and smelt of aftershave and everything that was John Bloody Smith. She let out a whimper, the only sound around them was their heavy panting and their desperate kisses. Eventually she pulled away, panting heavily as she stared up at John, her brown eyes inflated and wide.

Clara pushed him away from her by his chest, swallowing as she tried to avoid eye contact. She wiped her face and picked up her bag from the floor he had knocked it out of her grip slamming her against the wall. She ran past him, wiping the tears threatening to fall down her face. John was left a panting mess, his hand running over his face as he scratched his beard. He needed to fix this and fast. He rolled his eyes and pulled on his thick hair, turning around to kick the wall although he immediately regretted it when a pain was sent straight through his foot. He yelped in pain and bounced up and down, holding his ankle as his face contorted into one of serious pain as he limped towards the school gates, sighing heavily as he left the school.

He couldn't stop thinking about his kiss with Clara.


	5. Chapter 5 - John

_John's Home_

 _Saturday 14th March, 2002_

'John, please come downstairs, you need to help your brother with his homework!'

John sighed and dropped his pencil. He had spent a few hours sketching Clara, unable to get her out of his mind since their kiss. She had tasted of coffee and those mints nobody had known existed until she had started to use them. He swallowed and stood up, quickly covering his sketch pad with one of his jumpers, which had a few holes in it. John's room was completely painted white and he had a single bed pushed up against the wall. A TV hung on the opposite wall, and his desk on the other side of the room was cluttered in drawing pads, writing pads, and a laptop. His drawings and paintings of his family members and friends hung proudly over his bed, where the duvet was halfway off the bed. His guitar laid on top of the duvet. The rest of his room was a complete mess and clothes were all over the place.

John closed his door behind him, scratching the back of his head as he slowly made his way down the stairs. He stomped down them with his heavy feet, like some kind of sloth. 'I'm coming, I'm coming. Calm down, Ma, Robert isn't going to explode if I don't help him with his homework.'

John's mother swatted him with a tea towel on his arm, 'Don't joke about your brother exploding.'

John laughed and spotted his little brother, Robert, sat at the table. The young boy's brown hair was ruffled and stuck up in odd places. 'But it would be funny if he spontaneously combusted right now.' John said.

His mother, whose name was Maria, swatted him with the towel again, a scowl on her face. 'John Smith, I said, do not joke about your brother combusting! And will you, for the love of God, take a shower?'

John laughed and shook his head, rolling his eyes as he dodged yet another swat of the towel by his mother. 'Alright, alright! I'll take one after, I promise, Ma.'

John made his way over to Robert and sat down beside him, the English book. The older boy grinned at his brother, reaching for his belly to tickle him. The younger boy burst into fits of giggles.

'Now, what is it today, young Robert? Spellings?' asked John when the laughs had dissipated.

Robert nodded his head and sighed dramatically, dropping his chin onto the palm of his hand as he stared cluelessly down at the long words written in his book. 'I can say them out loud and in my head, but I can't spell them. Did you get big words like these when you were my age, John?' he asked, a clear English accent to his squeaky voice. The family had moved to England when John was ten, the year Robert was born. Robert only pronounced a few words with a Scottish accent.

John arched his eyebrow, poking his brother in the ribs as the boy squealed and batted his hands away, 'Oh, aye, I did have big words like this. But, the difference was, I wasn't as clever as you and I had trouble reading them.'

Robert gasped and his jaw fell open, his big blue eyes staring up at his elder brother, 'You couldn't read when you were five?'

John shook his head, 'No, I couldn't, little man. Which is how I know you are going to be brilliant with spelling once I teach you. Now come on, let's get something done.'

'Let's do it!' the Little boy said excitedly.

After a while, John had finished helping Robert complete his homework. The younger boy punched the air with excitement, thanking his older brother with a quick hug. Then, he ran from the room and up the stairs to get changed, putting his English book back in his backpack so he was ready for school. John stood up and began to make his way out of the living room before his two younger sisters ran into the room, jumping on top of him. They knocked him down onto the ground. John laughed and tickled his sisters, the two of them giggling until they managed to tickle him back, to which John burst into laughter and attempted to escape.

'Why are you doing this? You can't be this mean to your big brother, you'll need me to fight off all the boys when you're older! Or girls, you know, whatever.'

His sisters were eight year old twins, and their names were Jasmine and Rebecca. They were complete opposites of each other. Jasmine was loud and confident, while Rebecca was the quiet, insecure one who always worried she was irritating people. Jasmine was strong and protective, and always took care of her twin, but they both did incredibly well in school. John adored his sisters and spent most of his time drawing pictures for them.

'Tickle monsters!' both Jasmine and Rebecca exclaimed in unison, laughing as their tiny hands tickled their brother who had a laughing fit and tried to escape to the sofa. Once he made it, the girls giggled and sat on the floor, crossing their legs over the other one.

John clapped his hands together and ran his hands through his hair. He had been somewhat of a father figure to the girls in a strange way since their father had left a year ago. He had run off with another woman, and John hoped with all his heart that he wouldn't step foot in their home again. 'Girls, aren't you supposed to be at swimming?'

Jasmine frowned. 'Mummy didn't want to take us today, Robert thinks she's struggling with her... de- depression?' she muttered, staring up at her brother like he was some kind of God with all the answers. Jasmine didn't understand what depression was but John certainly did.

John nodded his head and nervously rubbed his hands together, smiling fondly at his two sisters, 'Well, how about I take you today? I'll go shower and get dressed and we can take the bus down to the swimming pool.'

Jasmine and Rebecca shared an excited look and grinned, high-giving each other. 'Yes! Thanks, John!' Both girls stood up and kissed him on the cheek, running from the room to get their swimming bags.

John sighed and nodded his head, content with his plans for the day. He walked over to the kitchen and noticed that his youngest brother was sitting in his high chair, food all over his face, 'Oh, James, did mummy forget you were in here?' He forced a laugh and lifted his young brother from his high chair, wiping his face with a napkin.

'I'm going to take your sisters swimming for the day. You and Robert will look after Mummy, won't you? Don't you worry, I will make sure she takes her tablets.' He sighed and rocked James gently, holding him on his hip as he heard the doorbell ring.

John arched one eyebrow and made his way to the door before his mother or his siblings could get to it. He pulled on the lock and yanked the door open, his eyes widening when he found Clara standing there. What the hell? She was panting, her eyes bloodshot and her face flushed red. She stank of alcohol and smoke. John sighed, swallowing the lump in his throat as he felt a sudden surge of emotion. Why did she look like such a mess? He sighed again and let her in, closing the door behind her.

'I'm sorry, John...' Clara muttered, stumbling through the hallway until she was in the living room. She fell onto the sofa. Her makeup bled all over her face and her chest was heaving as if she was having some sort of panic attack.

John watched her, observing that she was drunk and he instantly felt angry. He knew why she felt that she had to do this to herself but really, alcohol and cigarettes were not a good idea. Had she been out all night? John carefully placed James down onto his feet. The three year old boy stumbled across the living room and dropped onto his bottom, reaching for a toy to play with. Clara's eyes landed on him. She hadn't even realised John had siblings.

'Is this your baby brother?

'Well, he's not my kid.'

'I know that, you're a virgin.'

'Am I?'

Clara's head snapped up at that, her attention now on John instead of the little boy by her feet. 'You are, aren't you?'

John shook his head, scratching the back of it sheepishly. 'Last year, end of Year Ten.'

Clara arched her eyebrow and tried to ignore the pit of jealously churning in her stomach, 'Oh?'

'Yes, oh.'

'Are you going to tell me who?'

'Probably not the best idea.'

Clara shrugged her shoulders and looked away, 'I don't care anyway,' she muttered, chewing on her bottom lip as she concentrated on a certain part of the floor.

'Are you sure about that? That kiss said otherwise.'

Clara swallowed and slowly turned her head to look at him, a stern look on her face, 'That kiss didn't mean anything.'

John frowned and knelt in front of her, his face inches from hers, 'Are you sure about that, Clara?'

'Yes.'

'Really?'

'Do I have to repeat myself?'

'For me to believe you, yes.'

'I don't care if you believe me or not.'

'Don't you?'

'No, now get out of my face.'

John held his hands up, 'Alright, alright, calm down. Don't need you decking me again, aye?' he smirked at her and all of a sudden, she burst into a fit of laughter. John soon joined her. But Clara couldn't stop laughing and it was starting to become a little uncomfortable for John.

'Clara...'

She carried on laughing, her heart racing. She felt her vision blur with the effects of alcohol and tears. She was still laughing, John's face now unrecognizable as she flopped back against his sofa in hysterics. Her heart still had that same dull ache, no matter how many cigarettes she smoked or how much alcohol she had. Clara worried it would never go away. John swallowed, his smile dropping as he leant closer to her. She could feel him moving near her, but her vision was so blurred she could barely see him. She was certain she was crying again. She never stopped crying these days. John's arms suddenly wrapped around her and held her tight to him. It was almost like he was holding her down to stop her from crying so hard. The laughter stopped and then Clara heard another sound. What the hell was that? It sounded like an animal being shot with a crossbow and struggling to breathe again...

Oh.

It was her.

John didn't let his emotions interfere with taking care of Clara. He held her tighter and tighter until her chest stopped heaving so heavily. Her panting had stopped and he had forced her face into his shoulder, letting her sink her teeth into his shoulder as she screamed out. Why did this hurt so much? What was she supposed to do to get it to stop? Everything was just getting worse and worse for her, and she didn't see any way out of her endless pain. She couldn't even speak to her father or be in the same room as him. Eventually, the screaming had stopped and she fell into his embrace, her head on his chest as she tried to breathe normally.

'It's okay...' John's voice soothed her, stroking back the strands of her brown hair, 'Everything is going to be okay. I want you to stay here for a couple of days, okay? Let you take a breather from your life.'

Clara swallowed and clenched her jaw, trying not to let herself cry out again, 'I want to go back to school on Monday, though.'

John slowly nodded, his hand rubbing her back in an attempt to comfort her, 'I know, I know. Just stay the weekend, I want to take care of you.'

Clara pulled back, her hand on his chest as she stared up at him, hazel eyes wide and filled with tears, 'Why? I'm such a bitch to you, why would you want to take care of me?'

John simply smiled and pulled her into his chest again, the two of them falling back onto his sofa. He held her, calming her by stroking back her hair. Eventually, she fell asleep in his arms. He dropped his head once he realised Clara was asleep and pressed a kiss into her hair.

'Because I have a duty of care...'


	6. Chapter 6 - 2:30am

_2:30am_

 _John's home_

'Clara? What are you doing down here?'

'I couldn't sleep.'

'Still doesn't explain why you're down here at half two in the morning.'

'I- ' Clara began, but her sentence ended short and her fingers fiddled with the hem of the jumper she was wearing.

'I struggle sleeping all the time, since mum… I keep seeing her every time I close my eyes. I can't stop thinking about her dying in that stupid shopping centre.'

John sighed, a sympathetic look in his blue eyes, 'Clara, I think you need to see a therapist.'

'Really? Now you think I'm mental? That's just great John, thanks for the vote of confidence.' Clara snapped sarcastically, her heart pounding in her ears. She needed fresh air before she threw up.

John pulled his dressing gown tighter around his skinny body, pushing his thick hair behind his ear, 'Clara, come on, I know this hurts but you have to admit you have a problem. The drinking and excessive smoking; skipping classes and no sleeping. Even when you are in class, you have a go at every teacher we have.'

Clara growled under her breath and turned away from him as he sat down beside her, 'Yeah, okay, John, I get it. I know all those things, you don't have to spell it out for me.'

'Apparently I do.'

'Just because I do these things doesn't mean I don't understand and recognise my clear problems as you have so kindly pointed out.'

'Why are you arguing with me? I'm trying to help you.'

Clara snorted and looked at him for the first time that night, 'Funny way of showing it.'

John rolled his eyes and watched her closely, 'Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.'

Clara slowly turned her head, arching her eyebrow at him, 'Did you just quote Dumbledore on the death of my mother?'

John only stared at her, to which Clara suddenly burst into laughter and soon John found himself laughing. Of course she would know that was a Dumbledore quote and she seemed to be laughing for real, instead of laughing like a maniac and unable to stop.

Eventually the laughter died out and Clara wiped her tear ridden face with the sleeve of her burgundy jumper, 'I suppose you better go back to bed, we've got school tomorrow.'

John shrugged his shoulders, 'Not much point now. How about we watch a film?' he asked her, pushing his hair out of his face as he knelt down in front of her and searched through the films he had hidden in his cabinet.

Clara nodded her head as she watched him kneel down in front of her, she grabbed a blanket and pulled it over herself, shivering from the cold, 'Suppose so…' she whispered, a small smile on her face as she raised her foot and kicked him in the back, bursting into a fit of giggles as he jolted forward and lost his balance.

'Clara!' John scolded playfully, grinning from ear to ear as he steadied himself on the cabinet.

'Becareful with your giant feet.'

'My feet are not giant!'

'Tell that to the Hobbits you obviously originate from.'

Clara lifted a pillow from behind her and smacked him in the face with it, 'I don't have hairy feet either! And stop taking the piss out of me for my short heritage, you lanky Scottish dick.'

John arched his eyebrow at her as he inserted the DVD, 'Lanky Scottish dick? You've got a mouth on you yet, Clara Oswald.'

Clara only smiled at him and pulled her feet up onto the sofa, tucking the blanket over herself, 'Dad always said I would be a good English teacher,'

He slowly nodded his head and stood up, 'He's telling the truth,' he commented, moving towards her as he shoved her the other way, 'Shove over, midget.'

Clara only glared at him and eventually moved over, offering him the blanket silently. Her eyes were stuck to the TV as Harry Potter begun, she had always loved these films when they started a few years back but the books were better. The two of them sat in silence for a while until Clara fell against John's chest, the blanket pulled over the both of them. Her head easily tucked underneath his arm and it was as if they fit perfectly together. Clara felt herself smile at the thought and cuddled closer into him, this felt different from anything she had with Nina; it felt gentle and somewhat special. Maybe they didn't hate each other after all.

 _Four hours later_

 _6:30am_

'Wake up!'

Clara jumped awake at the sound of a tiny Scottish accent from somewhere below her. She groaned and shuffled around, sore from the sofa she had apparently fallen asleep on. There was a little boy sat on the floor below her, brown mop of hair a mess as he blinked up at her. He had John's blue eyes and a tough jaw, they must have been brothers. How many siblings did John have? She had counted two so far.

The boy stood up, a shocked look on his face as he ran towards the kitchen, 'Mummy, John is naked with a girl again!'

'He what?! Again?!' their mother shouted from somewhere out in the hallway.

Clara frowned and felt a sudden surge of jealously run over her. Again? How many girls had he slept with? She thought he was a virgin! Not some man whore. She rolled her eyes at her jealously and anger and pushed it a side. Clara gritted her teeth and pulled the blanket tighter around her, leaning backwards to elbow a sleeping John right in his chest.

'Ow!' John whined as soon as he was awake, clutching his chest dramatically as he glared at her, 'What the hell was that for?'

Clara moved away from him and shrugged the blanket off of herself in her jealous rage, 'I don't know, ask all the girls you've apparently slept with.'

John sat up, his voice laced with sleep as he groaned again, 'What?' he mumbled, trying to make sense of what she had said.

'Are you jealous, Clara Oswald?'

Clara was about to reply before the little boy from earlier came running back into the living room, his hand clutching onto his mother's, 'Look, mum! John is asleep with a girl again!'

His mother eyed Clara suspiciously and then suddenly burst into a giant grin on her face, clapping her hands together, 'Oh, John! She's a pretty one. What's your name?' she asked her and Clara sat back on the sofa, her eyes a little wide.

His mother was a tall woman with dark unruly hair like John's, bright blue eyes and a tough jaw. Clara noticed that her sons looked like male versions of herself and then she found herself wondering… where was John's dad? Had he lost him like she had lost her mother? Maybe that was why he had started to understand her pain. His mother, whose name was apparently Maria stood wearing a long skirt and a white shirt, an apron over her with stains that might have been weeks old. Clara could tell this woman didn't look after herself and it seemed she spent all her time taking care of her sons, just like Clara's dad spent most of his time looking after her. She supposed the least she could do for her father was to let him know she was okay and not dead in some ditch somewhere.

'Um,' Clara cleared her throat and sat up, brushing a strand of her brown hair behind her ear, 'I'm Clara, Clara Oswald. I'm sorry, I needed some help and John let me stay the night. I'll be out as soon as possible.'

Maria only laughed and shook her head, 'Nonsense, girl. Come and have pancakes for breakfast, I made loads.'

Clara shared a look at John who only shrugged his shoulders and went to stand up, she took that as her invitation to stay and sent a quick text to Nina to say she would be in a bit later instead of early like usual. She made her way into John's kitchen, it was small but very home-like. She pulled on the sleeves of her jumper and gradually sat down at John's side, eying the giant stacks of pancakes on the table. There was at least six plates so that had to mean John's father was still here, right? She was wrong and she had realised that as soon as two twin girls came running into the kitchen, running to sit next to each other at the table. Clara was shocked, she had no idea John's life was anything like this; he always came off as the clever rich kid with no regard for anybody but himself but she was so incredibly wrong she felt the need to apologise. John Smith was anything but selfish, he took care of his brothers and sisters and even made an effort with his mother, he was the complete opposite of what she originally thought of him. A mummy's boy, a caring no nonsense sweetheart and she couldn't have been more in love with him.

Clara bit her bottom lip and looked down at her pancakes, deciding to dig in as the two twin girls stared at her a little wide eyed, 'Hi,' she muttered sheepishly, trying her best to smile.

Jasmine, the most confident out of the two giggled at Clara, 'You're Northern. Do you go to school with my big brother?' she asked her, her mouth wide open as she chewed on one of her pancakes.

Maria swatted her with her towel, always her weapon of choice, 'Don't talk with your mouth full, Jasmine!'

Jasmine pouted but Clara only grinned into her pancakes and spoke after she had finished eating, 'Yes, I'm Northern. I'm from Blackpool but I moved down to London about five years ago to start school at Coal Hill.'

John nudged Jasmine with his elbow, reaching out to tickle her, 'No more questions, Miss. Eat your pancakes.'

Rebecca seemed suspicious of Clara, but said nothing. She quickly ate her pancakes and disappeared to brush her teeth, dragging Jasmine with her. Clara hadn't noticed, but John had; he would speak to them later and ask them what was wrong, he didn't see anything wrong with Clara although he supposed he never would see anything wrong with her. To him, she was the definition of perfection and nothing would ever change his mind about her; not even her destructive attitude towards life. He raised his head after he had finished his pancakes and quickly got up, startling Clara. He sent her a smile and then disappeared into the bathroom. He remerged from the bathroom and stood in a quiet corner with his mother and Clara made funny faces at his youngest brother, who was sat in his high chair sucking on a milk bottle.

Clara turned her head to watch John for a moment, noticing him become quite angry as he reached for a glass and filled it with water. Maria threw her head back and appeared to be taking some kind of tablet as she drank the water.

'Mum has depression,' the little boy next to her whispered into her ear, shifting closer to Clara in his chair.

Clara merely swallowed and turned her head to look at the boy whose name was Robert, 'Depression? Really? I had no idea, your brother never told me…'

Robert shrugged his shoulders and stood up with his plate, beaming up at Clara, 'That's because John has a duty of care.'

Clara's heart skipped a beat as soon as he had said that, her brown eyes inflating as they always did. Hadn't he said that to her last night? She couldn't remember, she was a little drunk and all she remembered was falling asleep in his arms. She guessed this was something special, not even her father could lull her to sleep but for some reason, John could. She stood up and made sure to wash up everybody's plates, as a thank you for them welcoming her so easily.

Clara made her way over to John, clutched onto his arm and stood up on her tippy toes to press a longing kiss to his warm cheek, her eyes closing, 'School,' she whispered to him, her hand reaching down to clutch his in a desperate and almost needy grip. She needed him now.

John nodded his head, made sure his mother was okay before he managed to rush Robert, Jasmine and Rebecca out of the door on time for the taxi that picked them up and took them to school. Unusual for Clara, her father would usually take her but then again she was rich and happened to be an only child; she had no siblings to keep her going but now she guessed she had John Smith.


	7. Chapter 7 - Slow Progress

_Slow Progress_

 _Coal Hill School_

 _16_ _th_ _March 2002_

'Are you sure you're ready for this?'

'Well, I've ran out of tears.'

'Ah, yeah, my living room was starting to look like the River Thames.'

'Don't over exaggerate.'

'Completely serious; honestly Oswald, you need to get those giant eyeballs under control.'

Clara swatted John with her English book, 'And we need to get to class before Miss Saxon eats us in her sleep.'

John snorted and opened the door for Clara as it whooshed open and hit the wall behind it, 'Now that thought is rather disconcerting.'

Clara made her way to the back of the room as she sat down and dropped her bag on the floor, 'That's a rather big word for you, John Smith.'

John arched his eyebrow once he had taken his seat next to Clara, 'I'm obviously trying to impress my favourite literature hero.'

Clara smirked to herself as she got out her pen and opened up her English book, 'I didn't realise you were so fond of Miss Saxon.'

John decided to go along with Clara's joke, 'Ah, yes, my love for our English teacher grows stronger every day.' He pretended to clutch his heart, as if he was in love with their teacher just to see the dimple on Clara's right cheek whenever she smiled or laughed.

Clara giggled, the dimple John had been thinking about appeared on right cheek as she bit down on her bottom lip to stop herself from laughing, 'Shh, she'll hear you!'

John looked around the room and frowned, 'What are you talking about? She's not even in here.'

'You know what she's like, it's like having a bloodhound run up to you and sniff you and then run away again.'

'Weird analogy,'

'You're weird,'

'How observant of you,' John laughed, pulling a face at her as he stuck his tongue out at her.

She only giggled and slapped his forearm again, 'Sh! She's coming, I can hear her heels.'

'How on earth - '

John stopped his sentence and his jaw dropped in Clara's direction when Miss Saxon came strutting through her classroom door, closing it shut after the last of their class had ran in and rushed to their seats. That was one of Miss Saxon's rules; if you sit down before her, you aren't late. Miss Saxon had her hair tied back, the colour much darker than John's or Clara's. She usually wore her hair up, always complained that it got in her way when she was screaming at the students or trying to mark work. She wore a grey suit, never wore anything colourful unless it was that hideous purple dress that her mother had given her. Her first name was Missy and she was married to the Headmaster, Harold Saxon; there was rumours that he previously worked in the Government and ran for Prime Minister but everybody had seemed to forgotten that tiny little bit of information.

John's jaw was still hung open, his blue eyes wide, 'How do you do that?'

Clara merely tapped her ears, 'Hearing like a dog,'

'Look like one too,'

Clara raised her hand and slapped him right across his chest and John jumped out of his chair and let out a loud and playful yelp, 'I do not look like a dog, you stick insect!'

Miss Saxon pretended to gasp and held her hand over her chest, 'Christ, you almost gave me a bloody heart attack! What are you two playing at? Are you arguing again? Don't make me pair you up for today's task.'

After John had eventually stopped laughing, he took one look at Clara and shyly brushed his thick hand through the curls in his hair, 'Go on then, pair us up,' as soon as the sentence emerged from his weirdly small mouth, the entire class gasped and stared round at the two of them.

Amy, from the front of the classroom pointed at them, 'I knew it! He's the who you were with last night.'

Nina tensed up from beside Amy and slowly looked over at her shoulder at Clara, her heart pounding in her ears. Clara was with John last night? Why? Nina was under the impression that Clara hated John, she had gone on for weeks how she hated him. She remembered it perfectly and she was trying to act as if she wasn't jealous about this new development. She sighed and looked back at the board, writing down the date and the subject for today; sexuality in creative writing and researching the Authors of said books and trying to find out what their sexuality was; Miss Saxon believed the Authors wrote from experience as there was no other way to express themselves in those times.

Still, despite Miss Saxon's effort to get them to shut up, Amy carried on asking questions, 'I thought you hated each other? Did anything happen? If so, what did happen? Was it good?'

John shielded himself away from his classmates and sunk down further in his chair, 'Nothing happened, Clara isn't like that.' He took once glance at her and disappeared even further into his chair when she sent him a death stare.

Clara sat up straighter, 'It's none of your business, Amy. Now, can we get back to the lesson? I came back to learn, not have you ask questions.'

Amy held up her arms in defence, 'Alright, stroppy. I'll leave you and your new boyfriend to it.'

As the redhead turned around, Clara bunched up a piece of paper she had torn out of her book and lobbed it at the back of her head. Once it hit her, everybody in the class was laughing except Nina. She was stuck in her thoughts about a week ago, four days after Clara's mother had died; where Clara sat on Nina's bed and complained about how much she hated John and how horrible and irritating he was.

 _One week ago_

 _9_ _th_ _March 2002_

 _Nina's house_

'He's such a narcissistic prick. How could anybody like him? I don't get it.'

'Hmm…' Nina muttered, her lips on Clara's neck as she took in the scent of her friend's hair. Were they friends? Friends certainly didn't do this.

'He has so many friends and I honestly can't understand why.'

Nina smirked, 'Could say the same about you,' she whispered against her skin, her lips leaving a trail of kisses down Clara's neck until she reached her collarbones, 'You narcissistic prick.'

Clara giggled and lit her sixth cigarette of that night, her arms locked around Nina's neck as she sat in her lap, 'You don't believe I'm a narcissistic prick, you adore me.'

Nina attempted to leave her mark on Clara's throat, nodding her head, 'Yes, I do adore you and I'm trying to prove it right now so if you could stop talking about John Bloody Smith that would be brilliant.'

'But -'

'No buts, take your shirt off.'

Clara giggled and placed her cigarette in the tray on Nina's bedside desk, 'Yes ma'am,' she remarked, all of her attention on her friend as she lent in to press her lips to Nina's.

'No more talking,' Nina muttered, her eyes darkening as she spoke in between short kisses.

Clara ground herself down in Nina's lap, her hand at the back of her head, pulling on the strands of her short hair, 'Stop talking then.'

Nina merely laughed and lent in for another kiss. This one a lot more desperate, as if they needed each other and once they came up for air; Clara lent back to unbutton the rest of her shirt as she threw it to the floor. She was left in only her underwear and went to rid Nina of her clothes as the other girl started to kiss down her body, pushing her shirt up and over her head as she disappeared in between Nina's legs.

 _Coal Hill School_

 _16_ _th_ _March 2002_

'I'm close to her now, but do I really have to do this? It's not like she deserves it.' John spoke quietly into his phone as he lent against the wall in the smoking area outside of school on his lunch break.

'John, do not be weak. Don't let this girl turn your head in your mission, this is important. You won't mess it up, will you?'

John chewed his bottom lip and waited a few moments before he decided to answer the woman on the other side of the phone, 'I don't want to mess it up but I don't want to hurt her either, she's been through too much already. Are you going to tell me why you need her?'

'I do believe I told you not to ask questions.'

'And I believe I have all the power here.'

'That's where you're wrong, John Smith, I can take your family away from you in a mili second. Do you really want that after losing your original family?'

John shuffled around uncomfortably and sighed, his anger boiling up in his stomach as he looked around the smoking area, 'Don't you dare speak of my original family, you have no right. Especially with what species you are.'

'At least I'm not the last of mine.'

'You aren't funny,' John responded quickly, somehow managing to light his cigarette with his phone in his hand as he placed the cigarette into his mouth.

'Neither are you. Bring her to us and remember, knock her unconscious first and we free your planet.'

'Yes, yes, okay. Can I go now or are you going to carry on going on at me like some parrot or broken record?'

'Goodbye for now, Time Lord.'


	8. Chapter 8 - Recovery

_Clara's home_

 _One Month Later_

 _16_ _th_ _April 2002_

 _Recovery_

'Clara, it's just one session.'

'Dad, I'm not going. I don't need it.'

'It has been two months since your mother's death, you need some form of therapy.'

'Pft, if anyone needs therapy, it's you.'

'Clara, that's not fair.'

'What's not fair is forcing me into therapy when I don't need it.'

'I'm in therapy and I thought the same thing as you until I let them help me.'

Clara growled under her breath and suddenly slammed her hand down on the table, 'Dad, I don't need any help! I'm fine!'

Dave sighed, irritated and defeated as he picked up his coat and headed for the door, 'I'm so disappointed in you, Clara.'

Clara raised her voice, her anger evident in her red face, 'And you disappoint me with your ability to forget mum so easily!' she all but screamed, picking up an empty bowl and throwing it at her father.

It just about missed him and shattered against the wall and the tiny pieces of the glass bowl plummeted to the ground. Clara heard him shout something about fixing it later and she merely rolled her eyes. She was certain she had anger issues because of her mother's death but she had nothing her dad was accusing her of. Alcohol problems, schizophrenia; possible bipolar and problems with drug addiction. She had none of those problems. Or was she just telling herself that? Was it a problem for her to come down in the morning, more or less twelve o'clock and drink a glass of Malibu and coke? It was only one drink to calm her nerves before school. If she could have a drink, feel at ease and not have to suffer the judgemental stares and whispers of others, was it really such a problem? Were her currently shaking hands a problem? No, that was her anger. It had to be, she didn't have a problem with alcohol. She didn't.

Nina hadn't been much help, she'd left her after Clara screamed in her face that she was 'just a phase' after Nina had confessed she was in love with her. In truth, she had panicked and freaked out over the mere concept of love. Drugs were not a problem that was a social construct that helped her get through a party. And as for the bipolar and schizophrenia accusations, that was just her paranoia. Everybody had it, right? She was a perfectly normal sixteen year old dealing with her mother's death, she wasn't struggling… just dealing with it accordingly. Clara sighed and tried to ignore her thoughts that felt like they were closing in on her and rushed to get up. She knew why she was rushing, her body was panicking and she felt as if she couldn't breathe. Clara grabbed a dust pan and brush from the cupboard and bent by the door to clean up the pieces of glass. She was distracted but only for a moment, dropping the glass into the bin as she put the dust pan and brush back into the cupboard.

She breathed heavily, trying to slow it down. Maybe a drink would help, it usually calmed her nerves and anger. Clara thought on it for a few minutes, her hand almost reaching for the bottle of Malibu before her hand dropped into her dressing gown pocket and pulled out her phone. Who was she going to call? Nina hated her, Amy was on a date with Rory… Suddenly a smile crossed her lips and she searched for John's contact before she dialled his number and waited for him to answer. Whilst it rang, she realised how much she appreciated John Smith and how he was the one to actually help her. He never forced her to talk about her mother and always brought a film around to her house so she didn't have to say anything. Sometimes they would cuddle on the sofa or in her bedroom or she'd sit in his lap and run her fingers through the curls in his hair to relax him. He'd order pizza and eat the last slice before she could, then they'd play a board game or have a few drinks and she would end up falling asleep in his arms.

'Clara, hi. Sorry I took so long answering. Want me to bring a pizza round from last night and warm it up? I could bring The Great Gatsby, I know that's your favourite film.'

Clara jumped at the sound of his loud but comforting voice and immediately smiled, 'Yeah, that would be great.'

'Are you okay?'

'No, it's a bad day today.'

'Ah, okay. No worries, I'll be over in half an hour.'

Clara nodded her head and rubbed her neck, 'Okay, thank you. I'll see you then, bye.'

John said a quick goodbye and Clara rushed upstairs to get dressed, not before cleaning up the house before her grandmother got home. Clara pulled on new underwear, brushed her hair and pulled on baggy trousers and an oversized jumper. Half an hour later, there was a knock at the door and suddenly the weight on Clara's shoulders disappeared. Her guilt from throwing that bowl at her father and shouting at him, the guilt of her mother's death, it seemed that whenever John turned up, everything was okay again. She ran down the stairs, almost tripping on the last step before she reached for the door handle and yanked it open. There he was, standing there with a bag and a pizza box in each of his hands. His curly brown hair was starting to grow a little more, signs of a beard on his chin. He was taller, she was certain. What was she talking about? She had seen him a few days ago, maybe she just loved to look at him.

As soon as he was through the door, John placed the bag and pizza box down onto her coffee table and shut the door behind him. He stepped closer to her and suddenly she was in his arms and being pulled off of her feet, quite literally. He spun the both of them around and Clara begun to giggle, much to her surprised. She hadn't laughed in the longest time. He continued to spin them until all of a sudden, he tripped and fell onto the sofa with Clara on top of them. They both laughed until they couldn't anymore and Clara went to push her hair out of her face.

'Leave it,' John told her, his voice deep.

'What?'

'Leave your hair like that, I prefer it.'

'All over my face?'

'Yes, it hides that ugly mug of yours.' John smirked, clearly joking by the tone of his voice and the sparkle in his blue eyes.

'Oh, you cheeky git!' Clara laughed, slapping his forearm as she managed to squirm off of his lap before he could start to tickle her.

John sat up, a playful look on his face as he lent forward and pulled the pizza box towards them, 'I've got four slices. If you don't tell me what's happened, I will eat all four. If you tell me, you can have two.'

Clara rolled her eyes, 'How thoughtful of you.'

'My speciality.'

'Well,' Clara sighed, tucking her legs onto the sofa as she leant forward and picked up a slice of pizza; pepperoni, her favourite, 'My dad and I had an argument.'

'I figured as much.'

'Sh, I'm talking.'

'Yes, ma'am,'

'Oh, don't you dare start with those control freak accusations again.'

John held up his arms, as if it was some form of surrender, 'I won't dare, I promise.' He said, his accent thick as half a slice of pizza hung from his mouth.

Clara was already on her second slice of pizza, 'Will you please put that in your mouth? I don't need to see that shit,'

'Bossy control freak,' he muttered.

'What was that?'

'Nothing.' John said, certain of himself as he managed to eat the pizza slice whole.

Clara sent him a glare, watching him closely until she sat up properly and wiped her hands of the pizza crumbs, 'Anyway,' she paused for effect and watched him wipe his mouth with his hand, 'Dad keeps telling me I should go to these therapy classes, but is there really any point?'

'Well, the point of them is to help you. I don't force you to talk about your mother, I'll listen when you're ready to talk about her. But maybe it's a good idea to talk to a therapist?'

Clara sighed and rolled her eyes, 'Great, now you're siding with him.'

John moved a few inches closer to Clara, his eyes soft, 'I'm not siding with him, Clara. I'm trying to think what's best for you and I think you should talk to somebody. Maybe it could be me? I'm listening.'

Clara considered it for a moment, her heart racing as she could see the kindness in his eyes. Or was it just sympathy? She couldn't tell. She chewed her bottom lip, trying not to become too distracted by the smell of his aftershave, 'I know, you're always here listening. Maybe I made you up, maybe I made our conversations up, you always say what I need you to say.'

John made a funny face and gestured his hands towards her, 'Ooo, I'm not really here, I'm in your imagination,' his eyes grow wide, as if he actually believed it himself.

Clara giggled for a moment, then her smile faded and she started to rub her hands on her thigh, 'Sometimes, I really do believe I made our conversations up, like you're not really here. Dad thinks I'm schizophrenic, apparently I talk to people who aren't there.'

Suddenly John's face dropped, his features suddenly serious, 'He thinks you talk to people who aren't there? Really?'

Clara slowly nodded, finally meeting his eyes and she could see how panicked he looked and wondered what was going through his head, 'Yes, but it's weird. I wake up and I go downstairs, then I can't remember anything and then I'm starting in front of my dad and he's telling me I was talking to somebody who wasn't really there.'

John took her hand carefully, his eyes on hers, 'Clara, this is important. Who was standing there?'

Clara frowned, a little bit frightened by his sudden urgency to know, 'I don't know, I never see their face. Why, what's wrong?'

John swallowed and dropped his eyes to their joined hands, rubbing at the red mark he had left on her wrist from his tight grip, 'No, no. It's nothing, just call me if that happens again, okay? I want you to be safe and okay.'

Clara smiled a little, pushing away her doubt of him as she raised his hand and kissed it softly, 'Thank you, for being here for me. You are the last person I would expect,'

John laughed, 'Same here,' he smirked and sent her a wink before he stood up and pulled his phone out of his pocket, 'I've just got to go and call somebody quickly. Will you be okay for a few minutes?'

Clara nodded her head and John bent to kiss the top of her head, inhaling the scent of her hair. He disappeared into the back garden and dialled the number, his anger boiling over as he watched Clara innocently place the DVD into the DVD player and put the pizza box away in the bin.

'Time Lord, hello, have you made any progress?'

'Shut up. Listen to me, you don't mess around with Clara's head, okay? I have this, just give me time and I'll get her to you, she just needs to trust me. Just stop causing havoc with her dad and leave her the hell alone.'

'I don't think you're in the position to be making orders, Doctor.'

'If you so much as lay a finger on her head -'

'It would be wise for you to not threaten us.'

'It would be wise for you not to touch Clara. I'm doing what you asked, I'm gaining her trust. Leave her alone or the deal is off.'

'Would you really risk losing your planet and your entire race for a pretty little girl?'

'Yes.'

He ended the call.


	9. Chapter 9 - Confess

_Coal Hill School_

 _Three months later_

 _18_ _th_ _July 2002_

'Okay class, today I want you to re-enact some parts of Romeo and Juliet, preferably the famous balcony scene.'

The whole class groaned out loud, some of them throwing their heads back in frustration. Although, from the front of the class, Amy and Rory seemed to be giggling, now that they had got past their awkward 'we're just friends' stage, they seemed inseparable and always giggling at their own inside jokes. Mrs Saxon eyed her class curiously, trying to decide who would be best for the two roles. She considered Amy and Rory, but decided against it as she had the notion that they might giggle all the way through it and it should be taken seriously. After all, it was part of their course work for their English GCSE. They had already taken their exams, but it was just a little extra Mrs Saxon could give them to make sure they achieved their grades. She cared about each student and their future; she just had a funny way of showing it.

She looked over all of her students, a somewhat smile on her face even though part of her hated each student. They were loud and rather annoying and always disagreed with her and stood up to her views of 'taking over the world' and always muttered that she was crazy. Maybe she was, talking of taking over the world was crazy considering she didn't have any power. What was she thinking about? Ah, choosing two students to play Romeo and Juliet. Her eyes dropped on the shy Martha Jones in the corner, she would be a good choice to be diverse but she lacked the confidence to act in front of the entire class. And who would be her Romeo? Rickey Smith? No, far too rude and outspoken and his twin was just as shy as Martha. Mrs Saxon lent back on her board, certain the chalk was marking her purple dress but she didn't much care for it as it was her deranged mother who had brought it for her. She pinched the bridge of her nose, too stuck in her thoughts to notice John and Clara slip into their seats. They were late, everybody knew it but nobody was going to speak out against it for fear of Clara snapping at everybody. She had been doing that a lot lately, always by John's side and not caring if she lost her friends.

Clara had already lost Amy, they had grown apart dramatically since she had developed her new relationship with Rory, and the redhead just didn't have time to take care of Clara anymore. Clara wasn't angry with her, it happened; people grew apart and moved on with their own lives. She placed down her folder and opened it up, searching through her disorganized folder until she found a SA she had written on the sexuality of Author's that Mrs Saxon had asked for last week. Clara noticed their teacher was in a bit of a situation with her lesson plan, she knew that they were not supposed to start on Shakespeare until next year, when they all joined sixth form, if they didn't move to college, of course. Clara still hadn't managed to make a decision on that, she was terrible at making decisions. In some way, she wanted to be like Mrs Saxon, head strong and just a little bit odd to make all of her students fear her but love her all at the same time. She considered training as a teacher and maybe that would make her mother proud.

'Careful, you're thinking,'

Clara shot John a glare, nudging his side as she looked him once over, 'Careful, you'll get a slap if you keep insulting me.'

John snorted, 'Well, we both know you won't hurt me, you adore me far too much,'

Clara blushed a deep red colour, a playful smirk on her face as she leaned in and whispered into his ear, 'Speaking of adoring you, fancy going to the prom together? Unless you're thinking of taking somebody else, of course,'

John laughed and shook his head, 'Unlikely.'

Clara nodded, her eyes back on their teacher, 'Good, glad that's sorted, Smith.'

He tapped his pen against his English book, 'Don't you think we should help her? I mean, people have been saying she's been acting weirder than usual. Maybe we should go down and take over?'

Clara considered it for a moment and then shrugged her shoulders, 'After you, Smithey.'

John rolled his eyes and stood up from his desk, 'I really hate it when you call me that,'

'No you don't.'

'Okay, I would hate it if anybody else called me it.'

'Good job I'm me then, right?'

'Right.'

Clara giggled and clapped her hands, gaining the class's attention as the two of them stood at the front of the room, 'Okay, guys. Myself and John are going to play Romeo and Juliet and don't get any ideas, okay? It's just a play, it doesn't mean anything. We'll act it out and you'll take notes, it will help it stay in your head for the last exam we do before prom.'

 _Clara's home_

 _After school, 4:30pm_

 _18_ _th_ _July 2002_

'Can't we just play video games the entire night?'

'No.'

'Why not?'

'Because we have work to do…'

'You say that like I should be doing it.'

'That's because you should be doing it, come on, we should do it for Mrs Saxon.'

'I just can't be bothered, John, honestly.'

'Where's your motivation gone?'

'Out the window with all the other fucks I used to give,'

'Mind your language.'

Clara snorted and threw a piece of paper at him, smirking as it bounced off of his head, 'Don't you tell me to mind my language, Smith, you're the worst one out of both of us.'

'Whatever helps you sleep better,' John sent her a wink and threw the piece of paper in the bin which was on the other side of the room.

Clara sighed and fidgeted until she was on her back, her legs on the top of the sofa, against the wall, 'I'm bored, can we take a break?' she sighed, faking exhaustion.

'Clara, it's been half an hour.'

'Do you realise how long half an hour is?'

'Thirty years long, according to you.'

Clara sat up, the strands of her brown hair a mess and all over her face like she had just climbed out of bed, 'Yes, I'm already forty six and I'm still not married.'

John screwed his nose up, 'You want to be married?' he questioned her, one of his furious eyebrows arching as he flipped his notepad shut and turned to face her.

Clara dropped her pencil onto her English book, that was laying lonely on the coffee table, 'Of course I do. God, you're the only one that hasn't heard of my five year plan.'

'You have a five year plan?'

'Yes!'

John shrugged his shoulders, 'Go ahead, do tell.'

Clara merely rolled her eyes and thought for a moment before she laid back on the sofa, her head hitting the pillow underneath her, 'Feel like I'm having a therapy session,'

'I can be your therapist,'

'God no, you'd try and seduce me.'

'Could we get back to the point?'

'Ah, yes. My five year plan, well, I hope to finish Year Eleven with all eight GCSE's, possibly more if I don't fuck it up. Then I want to go to University and -' she paused and noticed him smiling at her a little too fondly, his blue eyes lit with admiration and… love? She wasn't sure.

'Anyway, University, train as an English teacher and come back to Coal Hill to teach. I'm hoping to be married by twenty seven and maybe a few kids, if I can hold a relationship down that long.'

John sighed and arched his eyebrow at her, 'What about Nina?'

Clara swallowed and tried to ignore the horrible pit of guilt in her stomach, 'What about her?' she muttered, fiddling with her fingers like she always did when she was nervous. It was an annoying trait she had picked up.

'Before your… relationship happened, she was one of your closest friends. You can't just push her away.'

'I can and I will.'

'Why?'

Clara looked him in the eye, the words tumbling from her mouth before she could stop them, 'Because I don't want to fall in love like my dad did and then lose her. I don't want to lose anybody to death, I'm terrified of love and all its stupid complications.'

John sighed, took a deep breath and edged closer to her until he had his arm wrapped around her shoulders, 'Clara, you can't be frightened of falling in love because your dad lost your mother. It doesn't always work out like that, sometimes it works out just fine.'

Clara swallowed and avoided eye contact, pulling on the sleeves on her jumper, 'But sometimes shitty things happen and there's nothing that we can do about it.'

'It's fifty/fifty all of the time, love, you don't always get what you want but sometimes you do. Or you get something better in the long run, but don't ever be frightened to give your heart to somebody.'

Clara raised her head, her brown eyes locked onto John's blue eyes, her heart suddenly skipping a beat as her chest suddenly felt tight and something clicked inside of her she wasn't quite expecting. She was certain now, certain that she had fallen in love with John. She should tell him, right? At least give him clues, or should she just cower away and run back to Nina? No, that was selfish and far too harsh on Nina, she had done nothing wrong. Apart from tell her she was in love with her. What if John reacted the same way Clara herself had when Nina confessed her love? What if he ran a mile and never spoke to her again.

 _Fuck it._

'I think I already have given my heart to somebody.'


	10. Chapter 10 - Prom Night

_Coal Hill School_

 _Prom Night_

 _July 22_ _nd_ _2002_

'You look amazing,'

'Not so bad yourself,'

'I can take that as a compliment,'

'You'd take anything as a compliment,'

'True,'

'You're like one of those girls who's always begging for likes on her selfies even though the only thing in the picture is her heavily implanted ass,'

'Also true. Wow, you really thought that through.'

'I'm as bitter as Mrs Saxon,'

'Jealous of the butt implanted girls of Instagram?'

'So jealous,'

John snorted and held his arm out for her, 'Got your ticket ready?'

Clara looped her arm through his, ticket and hand bag in her other arm, 'Nah, just thought I'd leave it at home,' she told him, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

John made a funny face at her as they walked along the stony pathway and towards the main entrance of the school, 'You're too sarcastic for your own good,'

'Not sure if that's a compliment or an insult.'

'Bit of both,'

Clara only laughed and handed her paid ticket over to their Head Teacher, Clara wore a beautiful black dress that happened to be in lace, it was tight fitted and made her figure look incredible. John wore a grey suit with a black tie and Oxford shoes, they looked as if they were made to be Prom King and Queen. Clara's shoulder length hair was curly and a white flower was strategically placed in her hair whilst John went for the option of slicking back his thick curls with an insane amount of hair gel and Clara had noticed just how good he smelt, that aftershave had to be new. Who was he wearing it for? Her? Or every other girl in their year that would be at the Prom tonight? Both Clara and John had arrived together in her father's hired red Ferrari just to show off and everybody had turned to stare at them as they walked arm in arm down the road and towards Coal Hill, some girls were even glaring at Clara and she wasn't entirely sure why. Maybe they were jealous? Did she really look that good? John didn't strike her as the 'ladies' man' type so it couldn't of been him the girls had been jealous of, John was lanky with too much hair and he was obsessed with Art and Music, both subjects every other girl considered 'weird' but Clara didn't think he was weird at all, she didn't even hate him anymore. She adored him and praised everything he did, watched over his shoulder as he drew certain buildings or something from his imagination. Clara had once seen him draw a man made of metal, which he called a Cyberman. They would have been considered the 'power couple' of Coal Hill, if they were a couple, of course.

Clara stood still as John handed over his own ticket to the Head Teacher, she bit her bottom lip from smiling too wide when John cracked a few jokes and his overly large mouth broke into a toothy smile, his two top teeth sticking out as they always did. He was an idiot, a complete goofball but anybody who hurt John had her to deal with, man or woman or even teacher; she would stick up for him in every and any situation. Finally, she broke out into a smile she couldn't help and shook her head, dragging John away from their Head Mistress as she clutched onto his arm and smiled at all the teachers that complimented their outfits. Once inside of the hall, Clara stared up at the balloons above them, caught up in a net that she was certain they would have to cut down later on in the evening. Clara let go of John's arm, not realising he had slipped away to speak to Mickey in the corner of the room, who seemed to be too interested in his drink to speak to anybody. Clara smiled to herself, flattening her dress out with her hands, her mum would have been so proud of her. She cleared her throat, determined not to get upset as she turned her head and realised John was no longer by her side. Clara frowned but started to laugh when she saw John awkwardly dancing, trying to make Mickey smile as Rickey, Eleven and Rory went nuts over 'Hot in Here' and eventually Mickey started to smile and even joined in with their ridiculous dancing. Well, dancing that could be considered as throwing themselves around the room with their arms up in the air.

'You've upgraded yourself to staring at him from afar,' a voice muttered from behind Clara, she could recognise that distinctive voice from anywhere.

Clara sighed and stared down at her feet, aware of the bright lights shining on her face as she slowly turned around to face none other than Nina, 'Are you jealous?'

Nina raised her fairly thin eyebrow, her hand clutching onto her hand bag, 'Do I have a reason to be jealous?'

'I suppose not.'

'Then, no, I'm not jealous. Although, I would say I was a little bit jealous when I found out he was taking you to the Prom.'

Clara looked behind Nina's shoulder, her heart hammering in her chest as she tried to ignore how good Nina smelt, 'Where's your date? Did you bring that girl? What's her name?'

'Rachel, and no, I didn't bring her with me.'

'So you're here by yourself?'

'No, Amy offered to take me, Rory's dad ordered a limo for all of us.'

Clara slowly nodded, her brown eyes casting down to Nina's huge high heels, and then she noticed her tanned, incredibly long legs. She didn't say a word, she was far too interested in Nina's choice of outfit. She wore a tight red dress that was thigh height, the same long legs that had been around Clara's shoulders on full show completed with a black pair of high heels and she was covered in all different types of jewels and her blonde hair was curly, just reaching her shoulders. Clara had to admit it, Nina looked fucking hot and she wanted nothing more than to push her against the wall behind them and kiss her until she couldn't breathe.

'Are you going to keep staring at my legs or are you going to say something?'

Clara cleared her throat, her brown eyes snapping out of their trance as she looked straight at Nina, 'Sorry, um, do you want to go and get a drink?'

Nina managed a smile, ignoring the anger she felt for Clara and the fact she had ignored her for months. She arched her eyebrow and opened up the leather jacket she was wearing, showing off a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels she had hidden, 'How about we spike the punch bowls and see who gets pissed the quickest?'

Clara smirked and shrugged her shoulders, holding her hand out for Nina, 'That sounds like a plan,' she giggled and dragged her over to the table full of punch and different kinds of foods.

It was nice to have Nina back, even if it was just for tonight. She couldn't hide the fact she thought Nina was beautiful and that she wanted to kiss her every chance she got but she felt something deeper with John, they understood each other and bounced off of each other. They were Ying and Yang and Nina would surely disappear from her life as quickly as her mother had. Clara bit her bottom lip and pushed all her bad thoughts away as she stood in front of Nina, crossing her arms over her chest as she smiled at once of the teachers in front of them, it was Miss Tyler, their Art teacher who was like a bloodhound when it came to alcohol. But eventually, after a couple of tries, Nina managed to get the whole bottle into both of the punch bowls and once they had finished their task, the two girls high fived and ran off to join their friends in the middle of the room.

 _Coal Hill School_

 _Later that night_

 _10:15pm_

'Oh my god, I can't believe we actually got away with that.'

'I know! Honestly, how did Miss Tyler not even catch on? She's got a -'

'Nose like a bloodhound!' Clara finished Nina's sentence, doubling over with laughter as they stood outside of the school, cigarettes in hand.

'Exactly!'

The two of them continued to laugh until they couldn't anymore, Clara was crouched down, her feet covered in grass as they hid from the teachers who were looking for them. Nina was still doubled over and eventually fell to the ground with a thump, blonde hair all over her face as she placed her cigarette in her mouth and held it there as she giggled to herself. Once their laughter had died down, Clara put her cigarette out and laid on her back, staring up at the stars above them who had decided to grace them with their presence.

'Stars are out,'

Nina snorted, laying down beside Clara as she too stared up at them, 'I noticed.'

'On a scale of one to ten, how drunk are you right now?'

Nina shrugged, letting out a little giggle before she stabbed her cigarette into the grass, hoping it didn't light up the ground, 'Not that drunk, if I'm honest. I've never seen Mickey drunk before, so I can safely say he's a light weight.'

Clara was about to reply before she noticed the front doors to Coal Hill came swinging open and she was about to get up and run before she realised it was John. She grinned and immediately got up to greet him, the ends of her black laced dress ruined from the grass and mud.

'John!' she exclaimed, giggling a little as her short arm swung around his neck.

John growled under his breath and immediately pushed her away from him, his jacket was covered in blood and his tie was nowhere to be seen. His brown curls were all over his face, the gel having been replaced by sweat and he looked as if he had just returned from hell, 'What the hell have you done?!'

Nina managed to catch Clara before she hit the floor and she pushed her backwards, stepping out in front of John as she looked him up and down, 'What the fuck is your problem?! How drunk are you? Who the fuck do you think you are throwing Clara around like she's some rag doll?!'

John rolled his eyes and got in Nina's face, attempting to get at Clara as he raised his voice to the point that he was screaming at them both, 'It was you two, wasn't it?! You put Whiskey in the punch bowls, didn't you?!'

Clara frowned and brushed her dress down after she had gotten off of the floor, her face a picture of confusion as she made her way past Nina and strolled right up to John, throwing her drink in his face as she growled, 'That's for pushing me, now what the hell has gotten into you?! You've never had a problem with drinking before, why have you suddenly got one now?!'

John shook his head, his hands on his hips as he looked Clara in the eye, 'Your mum would be so disappointed in you,'

Clara swallowed hard, her heart skipping a beat as she tried not to tear up. That hurt more than she thought it would have, if it was anybody else she wouldn't have cared, but it was John, 'What did I do?'

John turned on his heel, kicking at the ground as a few stones went flying, 'You put Whiskey in the punch bowls without considering the fact Mickey is allergic to alcohol, that's why he doesn't drink.'

Clara's eyes widened, her hands reaching up to cover her mouth as she stared at him in complete horror, 'Oh my god, I didn't know. I'm sorry John, is he okay? He isn't dead, is he?'

John sighed, 'I wouldn't even speak to you if he was dead,' he muttered, unable to look at her as he pointed ahead of them, to the sound of an ambulance arriving, 'Had to call an ambulance, his nose flared up and he can't breathe properly.'

'Oh fuck,'

'Yeah, you're lucky he isn't dead. Rickey currently wants to have a go at both of you, but I stopped him. It doesn't mean I'm not angry with you both, just try not to fuck up like this again,' John shook his head and turned around, making his way back inside the school.

Clara wiped the tears from her face, John's comment about her mother hurting her in ways she couldn't quite explain. She watched as Mickey was rolled out on a stretcher, he seemed to be unconscious and Rickey was by his side, Martha was carrying his stuff and Clara felt awful, as did Nina. Once Rickey had spotted them, both Clara and Nina bolted it and fast-walked back into the school only to collect their belongings and leave quietly.

 _They were in so much trouble._


	11. Chapter 11 - Forgive Me

_John's Home_

 _July 25_ _th_ _2002_

 _Summer of 2002_

Clara knew she was fucked, it was written in the stars.

She stared at John's front door to his home, paying attention to the white paint over the door, his last name written on the very top of the door. She chewed her bottom lip and raised her hand, hesitating to knock as she thought about the last time she saw him. It was Prom night, over three days ago and she hadn't been away from him for this long since Amy's party when her mother had died. She thought of her mum and what she would do, how she would apologise, if she would apologise… Right now, all she needed was her mother's advice. Should she leave John in peace? Or should she swallow her pride and apologise? Before she could even knock, John must have seen her because the door swung open and he was standing there, ridiculously tall and so incredibly handsome she just wanted to reach out her hand and touch his face, but she knew she couldn't, she was well aware that he would push her away and tell her to go and leave him be.

But she didn't want that, she needed to talk to him, needed to hear his gravelly deep voice, the Scottish brogue whispering in her ear. She swallowed roughly, a tight smile on her lips as she stared up at him. He was so much taller than her and she had never realised until now, he towered over her and it was a little intimidating when he was angry with her. It was the first few days of summer and she had remembered they had plans to go on a road trip, they were going to invite the others and make it a group trip. Maybe they still could, if Clara could make amends and John would forgive her but deep down, Clara knew he wouldn't forgive her straight away. Or maybe she underestimated him and he would forgive her straight away, but never forget, Mickey's almost death hanging over them like a dark cloud she knew she wouldn't be able to get rid of. She had almost killed him, she was supposed to be Mickey's friend too and she didn't know a thing about him. Maybe their trip would be a good idea, maybe it would bring them all closer together and maybe it would help her heal from her mother's death.

'Clara,' John breathed, his heart skipping a beat in his chest, the look on his face defying what he was feeling inside, all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms, he wanted to tell her it was okay and it wasn't her fault, she didn't know. But, he was as stubborn as she was.

'I suppose you better come in,' he told her, stepping to the side.

Clara slowly nodded, a sheepish smile on her face as she stepped in and walked past him, 'Thank you,' she muttered, grateful to John for letting her back into his life so easily.

'I suppose I should ask… How are you?'

She cleared her throat, 'I could have killed him…' she trailed off, her eyes averting John's stare. He looked angry, he looked livid like all he wanted to do was chuck her out of his home.

Instead, he led her into his living room without holding onto her hand like he usually would, 'Yes, you could of, but you didn't, that's the important thing,'

'Doesn't change the fact you're still angry with me,'

'Clara, should we really be talking about this? It's been three days, Mickey was discharged from hospital two days ago, he is fine. There really is nothing to worry about,'

She frowned, her fingers fiddling with the rings on each hand that her mother and grandmother had passed down to her, 'How are you so understanding now but so angry before?'

'Because I made the mistake before of not understanding, letting my anger get the better of me and letting it control me,'

'What does that mean?'

He stood up, 'It doesn't matter,' he told her calmly, running a hand through his grey hair, 'Do you want some coffee?'

Clara stood up with him, her brown eyes locked onto his, 'John, you're angry, just shout at me, go on, I deserve it,'

'Clara, you don't deserve anything that's happened to you,'

That stumped her, her heart racing as she felt her palms beginning to sweat, 'Don't say things like that,'

'Why not?'

'Because it isn't fair,'

John left the living room and heard Clara's footsteps behind him, 'Is it fair for me to shout at you?'

'Yes,'

'Fine,' he grumbled, taking out two cups from the cupboard as he set them down on the kitchen counter and grabbed the coffee pot, spoon in hand as he violently chucked two spoonful's of coffee into each mug.

'You were reckless Clara, so reckless I didn't recognise you anymore. I doubt you even recognise yourself, you are a completely different person when you're with Nina! What is it about Nina, huh? Does she make you feel good about yourself?'

She jumped a little at the harsh tone of his voice, she considered his question as she watched John dump two sugars into her coffee and she couldn't help but smile, he didn't even have to ask and he had gotten it right, 'She's my friend,'

John shook his head, 'She isn't your friend, Clara. I don't know how your relationship works but I know she loves you,'

Clara stared at him, 'Are you jealous?'

He bit his bottom lip, averting his eyes as he turned back to the kitchen counter and poured milk into Clara's coffee, 'No,'

'Really? Because the tone of your voice would say otherwise,'

John slammed the milk bottle down, noticing the milk spill from the bottle and onto the counter, 'Clara, take this seriously! It isn't funny and it isn't a joke, Nina is dangerous for you, she makes you do stupid things and you never think about the consequences!'

Clara growled under her breath, not certain she liked his tone of voice and the way he was shouting at her, she was used to being the dominant one, 'Because I love her!'

He dropped the spoon he was holding in his hand, letting it crash on the counter as he stared at her, blinking slowly, 'You love her?'

She swallowed roughly, noticing the hurt and pain in his eyes and she couldn't bare to look at him, she would never tell him she loved him too, loved them both with all the heart she had left, 'Yes, I do. That's why I do all these stupid things and never think, because I feel alive with Nina, I feel like we can do whatever we want and nothing will stop us.'

But that was the difference, Clara loved Nina in a way that changed her personality and made her reckless but she thrived off of the adrenaline rush, she needed her. But with John, it was different, she was happy around him and she didn't feel as though she had to force a laugh when he made a joke, it was a genuine laugh that made her stomach hurt. She loved him fiercely and it scared her, she would risk her life for him, but not for Nina. She felt a tightening in her stomach, bile rising in her throat as she stared at the dull look in his blue eyes that were usually so bright and full of adoration for her, she missed that look.

'So,' he muttered, turning back to the counter to face away from Clara as he held his tears back, waiting for the kettle to boil, 'I suppose this means you're gay, then?'

She swallowed roughly, turning around to wipe the tears on her cheeks, 'No, John, I'm not gay. I just -'

He filled their mugs with the hot water from the kettle, stirring it slowly with each spoon, 'You just love her,' he said, a tone of disappointment in his voice that broke her heart into pieces.

'I'm afraid,' Clara breathed, raising her head to look him in the face, 'Of the things in my brain, of what I think about,' she paused, taking in a shaky breath.

'I need help, John.'

John frowned at her, mindful to leave her coffee mug on the counter as he sipped at his cup, the content warming his hands up, 'Why do you think you need help?'

She whimpered, her bottom lip wobbling as she looked him in the eye, 'I can't cope anymore, with any of it. With the guilt of my mum and don't you dare say it wasn't my fault because it was my fault… It was my fault and there is nothing I can do about it,' she breathed, feeling her chest tighten as she held her arms over herself.

John placed down his mug, careful on how to approach her as his hands reached out and planted themselves on Clara's shoulders, 'Clara, calm down, okay? You need to calm down,'

Clara tried to breathe, but she couldn't. Her hands suddenly grabbed onto his shoulders, pulling him close to her, 'John…' she muttered, her breathing unsteady, 'What's happening? I can't breathe,'

'You're having a panic attack,' he told her rather calmly, swallowing roughly as he led her back into the living room, sitting her down as he looked her in the face.

'Clara, you need to calm down for me, okay? You're out of breath and you're going to pass out if you don't calm down, everything is okay. It wasn't your fault, alright? You asked your mum to buy you a Prom dress and she was happy too, you know whose fault it is?'

She shook her head.

'It's whoever let that gas leak go off in the building, and I'm almost certain you didn't do that. You are not responsible for your mother's death,'

Clara gripped onto his forearm, the other hand on John's shoulder, 'Okay…' she breathed, nodding her head. She looked at him and everything seemed to be okay, he had reassured her and calmed her down and this was why she loved him; he made everything better and all her problems go away.

John rised from his spot on the sofa opposite her and disappeared into the kitchen, he came back with their coffees and placed them down on the table, 'Okay, let's make a deal,' he muttered, running his rough hands over each other.

'We'll drink these coffees and then we'll phone the others and talk about going on a road trip, yeah? Like we said before all this happened, we'll bring the others and everything will be okay. And once we've had a break from everything, I'm taking you to therapy and I'm coming with you,'

Clara gave him a fond smile, simply nodding her head as she picked up her mug and drank from it, the content warming her belly up. She sighed, closing her eyes momentarily, the familiar wet sensation behind her eyes to remind her that she had been crying. Then, she raised her head and looked him in the eyed and she knew then…

 _Everything was going to be just fine._


	12. Chapter 12 - Trip to Hastings

_England, Hastings_

 _August 1_ _st_ _2002_

 _Summer of 2002_

'Why is it so hot?! We're still in England, how can it be this hot?'

'Will you ever stop complaining?'

'No and I'll continue to be as dramatic as I can possibly be,'

'You're seventeen, Amy, grow up,'

'No I shan't and I've only just turned seventeen,'

John perked up from behind the kitchen counter, drying a glass as he placed it back in the cupboard, 'You're still the eldest out of all of us and yet you act like a five year old,'

Amy rolled her eyes and lobbed a pillow at him, smirking when it bounced off of his chest and almost fell into the sink before he caught it with a scowl, 'Shut up, you sentient tree,' she remarked, a sigh escaping her lips as she sat up from the sofa she was laying on.

Clara picked up a pamphlet from the coffee table and sat next to Amy, her feet on the coffee table, 'Where do you want to go to today, guys? I was thinking a water park, do they have those here? Or maybe down by the pier? It's newly built, isn't it?'

John shrugged and finished the washing up, walking over to sit right in the middle of the two girls as his long and overly lanky legs planted next to Clara's tiny ones, 'I believe so, yes. But shouldn't we just go for a long walk and just mess around with whatever we find? Isn't that the whole point of this trip?'

She snorted, 'You may be the type to go with the flow John Smith, but I like to plan,'

'That's because you're sceptical and you're worried if we don't plan days out, we're going to get murdered by some serial killer,'

'There's a high chance that could happen,'

'There's zero chance that could happen, there's nine of us and we're all quite capable of taking care of ourselves, especially you,'

Clara held her finger in the air, pausing for a moment, 'You have a very strong point there, Smith,'

John tilted his head to the side, 'My points are always strong,'

'Now you're just being arrogant and big headed,'

Amy giggled from beside them, flicking through the channels on the flat screen TV sat on a wooden stand, 'Do you two always argue like this?'

'Like what?' both of them replied in unison, completely oblivious to what the redhead was insinuating.

'Like an old married couple,'

Clara pulled a face and returned her attention to the pamphlet, 'That's rich coming from you, you act like Rory is your husband all the time,'

'I wouldn't mind marrying him,'

'We know,' the two of them groaned, focusing on what they were doing separately. The three of them fell into a comfortable silence, Clara looking for something for them to do, Amy watching something on the TV and John seemed to find the wall highly interesting.

Clara dropped the pamphlet onto the table with a defeated huff and stood up to explore. They chose a spot in Hastings, only about a four hour drive from London and they had already been here for a few days and they were staying in a cabin by the woods. Apart from the nine of them, there was a bunch of cabins around them where families were on holiday, mostly small children who wanted adventure. The rest of the area was covered in huge trees that often cut off phone signal and made it impossible for Amy to watch the TV. Rory had brought his PlayStation Two with various different games including the first two Harry Potter games, WWE Smack Down, Grand Theft Auto, Cel Damage Overdrive and Jak and Daxter. Clara knew both Rory and Amy would be preoccupied with the PlayStation, so she ruled those two out for going on a little adventure outside the cabin. The cabin was built beautifully and occupied all nine of them, the front door was at the side of the cabin, then there was a sliding door with a few chairs outside to relax in the sun, then the living room which was fairly spacious and had two long blue chairs sitting opposite each other, although all of them did have to squash together on each sofa when they ate their dinner.

To the right of the living room, sat a line of kitchen counters and behind them, the fridge and oven, everything was fairly fancy but it would be, considering all nine of them had used money from their savings just to go on holiday as a group of friends. The walls were thick, painted a dull white colour and the outside was built completely out of wood. Clara could hear seagulls stomping above them and the birds chirping by the thin windows, they might as well have them open it was so loud outside. Clara made her way through to the back of the cabin, closing the door behind her. She took a quick peak into the bathroom, which was quite big and the whole room was wooden and made her feel like she was in a horror film set in America. The shower was beautifully built, with carved wood and it was pretty powerful. She turned and opened the door, to find Mickey and Ricky packing their clothes way. The room had twin beds, which was ironic considering they were twins and it was a small room but she guessed the two of them didn't mind. Clara sent them a smile and moved down an inch to the room next door, which she knew was Amy and Rory's bedroom which held a double bed and she was more than convinced Rory was in there unpacking all of their belongings because Amy was lazy and she couldn't be bothered.

To her right, next to the bathroom was another room that Martha was in, unpacking her suitcases and then down the bottom was Clara's bedroom. She had ran straight to it and called dibs, insisting the first one in got the biggest bedroom. So that left Eleven and John out on the sofa's in the front room. She smirked and looked around her room to make sure she had unpacked everything she brought and then turned on her heel to find Nina standing right in front of her, a smirk on her face.

'Jesus, Nina!' she exclaimed, clutching onto her chest as she lent her hand on the wall beside them and swallowed roughly, 'Almost gave me a heart attack,'

'Shocked you didn't hear me coming up behind you, I've been told I walk like an elephant,'

Clara arched her eyebrow, 'How could you walk like an elephant when you weigh nothing?'

She shrugged, 'Not a clue,' she huffed, 'What's the plan for today? It's our last day and night in Hastings, I don't want to spend it stuck in this cabin,'

Clara hummed, breathing slowly as her heart beat returned to normal, 'I was thinking water slides, but Rory and Amy want to stay here playing games,'

'Could they be any more boring?' Nina huffed, looking away from Clara as she folded her arms over her chest.

Clara looked Nina once over, recognising just how irritated Nina was getting, she believed they were wasting time just sitting around, she wanted to have a bit of fun like they had intended to do when they came away for this trip, 'Hey, don't worry, Nina. The rest of us can go out, maybe down to the waterfalls? We could go skinny dipping,'

Nina's head shot up, a grin on her lips at the mention of skinny dipping, 'Really? Skinny dipping?'

She merely laughed, 'Yes, skinny dipping. We can go skinny dipping. Go and get ready, I'll tell the others,'

Nina giggled and shot past her to the back room they were sharing and Clara stared after her, biting her bottom lip. Was she straight? Or was she gay? She was clearly attracted to Nina, but why? Was it just Nina? Or was it other girls too? What would her father say, her grandmother? She had so many questions and so little time to think it over… Maybe she needed a quiet night tonight after their day out, just to think about Nina and John and her confusion about the two of them. Clara knew she had feelings for both Nina and John, but she wasn't sure on the extent of them or if they were even real, maybe she just relied on them because they were both quick to help her when her mother died, maybe she relied on them to share her grief. No, they understood… They understood the pain she went through and the pain she was still going through, they kept her level and from falling apart. She knew that if she didn't have these two by her side, she would fall apart.

Clara made her way into the living room and smacked John upside his head, grinning when he stared up at her, his big blue eyes blinking rapidly, 'Come on, you little shit, we're going down to the waterfall,'

Rory appeared from his bedroom, sitting down beside Amy, 'Waterfall? But I don't have a swimming costume…'

Amy's eyes widened, staring at her boyfriend with wide eyes, 'What do you mean you don't have a swimming costume?'

'I mean, I forgot to pack it,'

Clara giggled and made her way into the back room, shouting to her friends, 'Good job we're going skinny dipping then!'

Amy, Rory and John all sat up to attention, their jaws dropping and all six set of eyes widened with anticipation. She heard them all mutter a 'What' before they rushed after her. Except they didn't follow Clara, they all ran into their separate bedrooms to get changed into just their towels. Clara understood why Amy and Rory were excited, but she wasn't quite sure as to why John was happy about it. Ecstatic, was more of an accurate word to describe his enthusiasm. She shook her head, watching Nina leave their bedroom and stood waiting in the front room in just her towel. Clara knocked on Mickey's door, informing him and his brother they were going skinny dipping and then she informed Martha, who blushed wildly and asked if she could leave her clothes on.

'Of course you can,' Clara smiled in reassurance, squeezing Martha's hand as she left her to change and then went to find Eleven in one of the other rooms.

She opened the door, to find him standing there with his back to her. He had the most muscular back she had ever seen in her life and all of sudden, both Nina and John vanished from her mind. Her eyes slowly dropped down to find he was completely naked and she had to stop herself from letting out a yelp of surprise. The man was beautiful, he looked like a God and she thanked Amy ten times over for inviting him. He turned around, a lazy smirk on his face as he bent and picked up his towel, covering his manhood which she had seen fairly easily and turned around instantly, her heart racing and she could have sworn she was breaking out in a sweat at the sight of him.

'It's alright, you can turn around,' he told her, voice gravelly.

Very slowly, Clara turned on her heel and smiled tightly at him, 'I take it you heard we're going skinny dipping,'

Eleven simply nodded his head, towel held around his waist. 'I heard,'

'Okay, great. Well, I'll see you down there,' she smiled at him, taking note of his brown hair that flopped over his face and the stubble that was growing around his chin. She remembered he was nineteen, a few years older than Amy and came from a Private school he was kicked out of.

Clara cleared her throat and ventured off into her bedroom, taking off her clothes and pulling a towel around her body to cover herself up. She bit her lip and spotted Nina's shirt on the bed, ruffled up underneath piles of Clara's own clothes. She sighed and reached down, picking it up as Eleven disappeared from her head and thoughts of Nina flooded her mind. She lifted her shirt to her face and sniffed, inhaling the scent she was so familiar with. Clara swallowed roughly and dropped the shirt, turning as quickly as she could as she closed the door behind her and rushed to join the others in the living room. What the hell was wrong with her? Stupid hormones were going haywire and she guessed this was part of being a teenager, her mother had warned her sixteen would be the age she would start to see everybody differently. She shook thoughts of her mum from her head and forced a smile, nodding towards the door.

'Come on then gang, let's get going before other people get down there,'

Her lasts thoughts were her confusion about her sexuality and what it meant, she had no idea what was going on in her brain and why did everything have to be so confusing? Why couldn't it be simple like an English exam or a History essay? Why did feelings and emotions have to screw with her head so much? She hoped this would all wash over, that all these feelings would just leave her the fuck alone. For all she cared, she could be alone forever and live with a thousand cats.

But was that really what she wanted?


End file.
